Facebook Stole My Wingman

Alright so I've been catching a lot of flack for not updating this more often. I will try much harder but between work, naps on the bus (instead of reading/writing) and MGS 4 as well as Summer Blockbuster season I simply have no time. Oh and I have actual human friends I'm expected to interact with. And one of them actually inspired this post so I guess talking to other people has its advantages.

We are the Facebook generation. Or MySpace, whatever your particular poison happens to be. For me it's Facebook so we'll stick with that for now. Everything we know about each other seems to flow directly from these two "social networking" sites. How you network with people from a computer screen while you look around nervously to make sure your boss doesn't catch you is a mystery to me but whatever.

The big draw of these sites is that you can "catch up" with old friends and acquaintances that for whatever reasons you just haven't maintained a steady connection with. This is called Facebook stalking.

In my experience people don't really use Facebook to reach out to those whose lives they're curious about. And why should you? Wanna know where your former high school crush is working? Check her work info! That jerk who dumped you right before prom? He's now backpacking through Europe and you can follow along on his adventures by checking his albums! Check his website section and you'll find a link to his blog detailing the wonders of loose European women!

Truth is we've become a far more isolated society than we used to be and Facebook helps us keep it that way. I don't actually care what the guy who lived down the hall from me Sophomore year is up to now but it's nice to know I probably make more than him and that his new girlfriend might be a man. Through the wonders of Facebooking I learned all this while watching Top Chef and looking up funny quotes for my away message. We truly live in wonderous times.

But Facebook can also be used for evil. Recently I became single (ladies, take note...please don't laugh) and my friend and I made plans to be each other's wingman. We even talked about 'goals' for the summer. During this time there was a girl he was hanging out with (pretty cool, don't blame her for what happened next) whom I was suspicious of. Suspicious because I was fairly certain this girl (while very cool and fun to hang out with) had set her sights on my future Iceman (this kid can't pull off a Goose). For a week my fears were allayed, "Don't worry dude, I'm single."

Then one fateful night I log onto Facebook as I do every 15 minutes only to discover his relationship status had been updated! Betrayed does not begin to describe my feelings at that moment as I watched my plans of an awesome summer of Barney/Ted (HIMYM reference) hijinks go out the virtual window of my soul, chased by a single heart on my news feed.

He'd become one of them; an untouchable.

He'd even gone so far as to list the person he was in a relationship with! Now, being "In a relationship" on Facebook basically tells the world you had a one night stand who turned out be clingy/your friends will hate you if you don't date her for at least a week or 2. Being "In a relationship" and having a NAME attached to it...well you might as well be engaged.

I'm 22 years old going on 23. While a fair amount of people I went to school with are getting married (scary, I know) I'm still not at that point in life where I'm checking fingers for rings. No, I check Facebook. So does everyone else so effectively when you list your significant other on your relationship status you are putting a face to the person who will kick anyone's ass who tries to touch you. Worse; if you're friends with both people you can say good bye to Wall flirting because you will find your Virtual Pet dead under mysterious circumstances.

I've since learned to deal with the fact that I am now wingman-less and am able to see the bright side of mini-feed hearts. While a single bright red heart brought to an end my summer visions of buddy awesomeness another news feed alerted me that the really hot girl in my Junior-year poli-sci class had updated her status to 'Single.'

And as we all know, in the world of Facebook when relatioship status goes from non-existent to single it's time to let the "healing" begin.