Somebody Save Me From HEROES

Sometimes shows just go wrong. Everything starts out great, too good to be true almost. You're sucked into the plot and the characters are easy to relate to.

Or maybe just hot.

Whatever the case may be you're hooked. You've got a weekly appointment that you will keep at the expense of family, friends, health and sex. 

Well, maybe not sex. But all the other things definitely. 

It's happened to me several times before, with The X-Files, LOST, Friends, How I Met Your Mother and so many others. But this particular show had a more insidious method of getting me addicted. HEROES did not start off particularly well. None of the characters were immediately interesting and the plot was predictable and familiar to anyone who'd 

ever glanced at comic book. Especially a Marvel one. So why watch?

It began as a desire to support a fellow geek show and rooting for it to succeed after so many years of being looked down upon as a comic book nerd. It felt validating to have millions of people watching a show that was just a live-action comic book and loving it. But at the same time I recognized this show for what it was; the TV equivalent of a bad Philip K. Dick adaptation. The basic elements are there but they're not quite right. And far dumber. 

But you have to look after your own so I tuned in, week after week, and hardly paid it any attention. Used it as background noise while I did work or surfed the internet. And then something happened. All of a sudden I started watching and paying attention. And then I started to care what happened. Suddenly it was important that I watch every episode. So it was with great excitement that I tuned into season 2. 

What a disappointment. Season 2 started off even more slowly than the first season and introduced even more characters to an already bloated cast. And to make matters worse the new characters sucked. They sidelined the series' major villain (and breakout star) as well as other major characters. In short the second season did everything a sophomore show shouldn't do. But then it got better. And with the final 4 episodes I was once again hooked and ready for more. 

And now we're at season 3. And I don't know why I still watch. Maybe I hold out hope that this season, like the ones preceding it, will redeem itself towards the end. But is that enough? Maybe because it's the only fix the comic book nerd in me gets anymore and it's a habit I just can't kick. Maybe because there still isn't anything else to watch on Mondays at 9pm. Or maybe it's because they've still got Hayden Panettiere. 

I'm Back...?

Oh blog, how I've neglected you, almost as badly as I will neglect my future children, which I will no doubt have only to meet societal expectations and of course, get laid. But I digress, my non-existent future children and their inevitable father issues are for another day. Today we discuss you and the details of your abandonment. 

To my Dear Readers: I'm sorry to both of you. Quite honestly I've been busy and lacking inspiration. Also lazy. Always oh so lazy. But that changes today! While I cannot promise consistent movie or TV episode reviews I will do my best to draw your attention to things you don't have the good taste to seek out for yourself. For example, have you been watching Eli Stone?? I didn't think so. Tuesday nights at 10pm on ABC. Get on it. 

I will also try to keep up on LOST recaps and theories, mainly because at this point that is the only show I consistently watch live without DVR assistance. Well that and How I Met Your Mother so perhaps those recaps will start making appearances as well. But no promises. 

And that's really what I wanted to say my neglected confidant; I make no promises. I will do my best to check and contribute as I can but I can't guarantee that this won't be my last post ever anymore than I can guarantee that it is only the first of many reliable and constant updates. 

So go watch Eli Stone, it's about to get cancelled so it would be much appreciated. And Happy Holidays. I promise I'll get you a gift next year. Really this time. Maybe. 

I Don't Believe. And I Don't Want To Anymore

When considering what movies to go see this weekend it was between Hellboy 2 and Step Brothers. I missed Hellboy the first time around because I was away for the weekend but I'm really more in the mood to laugh and Step Brothers has a more convenient show time so I'll probably go see that. Maybe I'll catch both though. There should be a third movie on that list though, shouldn't there?

Yes, The X-Files: I Want To Believe comes out this weekend. And yes, I was a huge fan of the show. Keyword there is was. I know the plot of the flick. It sounds stupid. It has nothing to do with the conspiracies in the show which is probably a good thing because even if I did feel like rewatching 9 seasons worth of the show I doubt I'd know what the hell was going on. The finale was a mess that provided answers to questions I'd already long-forgotten and stopped caring about.

People tend to think I'm a fanboy. And to some degree it's true. There are certain movies I love, franchises and TV shows that I will defend with every fiber of my being. But nothing is perfect. And if the quality of a show starts to decline I'm not gonna give it a pass because "It's the X-Files dude!" No, that's not good enough. It wasn't good enough then and it's not good enough now. I abandoned the X-Files around the time Duchovny left to...well I don't know what he left to do but he left. I hear the stand-alone episodes during Robert Patrick's tenure were very good. I'll have to check them out some day. But the truth is I'm not really a hardcore fanboy. I saw the new Indiana Jones. Seeing Indy again for the first time was awesome. Seeing Marion and Indy together was awesome. Watching these two characters I love traipse through a plot that was at times silly, put into situations that at times bordered on self-parody...I refuse to join the fanboys who defend it. The movie was OK. It was the worst of the series. Shia Lebouef had a Tarzan scene. CGI prairie dogs. A nuke-proof fridge.

I'm sorry, but there are some things I just can't abide. Just like I can never defend anything but the last fight in Phantom Menace I can't defend large swaths of Crystal Skull. And I can't defend the decision to bring back two beloved characters whose arc ended long ago in a story that would have been one of the show's weakest episodes. Their story was done. Their finale was painful, poorly written and largely unsatisfactory. But it was over. The X-Files would go down as a great show that set up the TV landscape for all the LOSTs, ALIASes, and FRINGEs that have come since. In the end they just couldn't get it done but at least it was a great ride at times.

So why this? Why ruin the reputation of a show that already was suffering and was only now recovering its rightful place in the pantheon of TV classics? It's painful enough to read critiques that recall the show's glory days only to remind us that the reason it isn't held in higher esteem is the creators' lack of foresight. But to bring it back now only to underscore its one tragic flaw?

Chris Carter put together something special. He laid the groundwork for the genius of JJ Abrams to dominate genre television (say what you will about his Star Trek reboot and horrible Superman script, watch the last season of LOST and tell me it doesn't keep you on edge through every single episode). He probably made it easier for Joss Whedon to introduce us to a certain Vampire Slayer and her undead love. But enough is enough.

Chris Carter, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Sam Raimi, and anyone else with a franchise to exploit: please stop. I don't cherish having to defend franchises, stories, and characters that were once beloved because you have an ego that needs inflating or an itch that needs to be scratched. Restraint, temperance; these are virtues. You cannot top your glory years. You cannot revive and recapture the magic of our chidlhoods. Seeing Harrison Ford on the screen with a fedora at 60 will never be the same as seeing him when I was 5 and begging my mom for a whip. The Star Wars universe doesn't need to be expanded by you Mr. Lucas, it's obvious you no longer relate to these characters nor its fans. To be honest it's clear you hold us all in contempt and to a degree resent us. Spielberg; you reinvented yourself as a masterful dramatic storyteller. Hone that skill. Leave the CGI-wizardry and ambitiously large action scenes to your successors (Minority Report and War of the Worlds were great; until the last half of the latter and the final 20 minutes of the former, both of which were far too lengthy to begin with).

It's tough enough being a fan of genre fiction. People don't get it and most dismiss it. Don't make it harder by turning once-gold-standards into cautionary tales for the likes of Christopher Nolan and Jon Favreau. I don't need new installments, the DVDs are just fine for me. Nobody made a sequel to Casablanca or Citizen Kane. There is no Gone With The Wind trilogy. Please take note.

Thank you,
A Fan

The Dark Knight

I've been debating writing this review since Saturday. I've seen the movie twice already and can't wait to see it again (this time on IMAX). Truth is I just don't know how to do this movie justice. It goes so far beyond what you expect, so far beyond what you think it will be that reviewing it seems like a lost effort at encapsulating perfection.

And that's what this film is; the perfect Batman movie. And more; a perfect crime movie. Take away the costumes and what you're left with is the most taut, twisted and unexpected thriller since Se7en. Take away the superhero and what you have is the type of film that would be at home with a December release date and strong Oscar buzz.

And yes, Oscar buzz. Why not? There isn't a single weak link in this movie in terms of acting. Heath Ledger's performance is already legendary so I won't add much except this: I've been watching Heath since 10 Things I Hate About You and I've liked him in everything he's been in. The late actor's face has been everywhere for months now. Anytime the Joker was on screen I looked for the guy who played Mel Gibson's son, the guy who wooed Julia Stiles and earned himself knighthood. I never, not once, found him. All I saw was a sick, insane, creepy lunatic. A man whose very voice sent chills up my spine and set my hairs on end. This performance is just amazing and believe me when I tell you that as sadistic and gruesome as the Joker's jokes are you will laugh. My friend did and she's not the type who takes to jokes about murder. What an incredible actor.

But the Joker isn't the only character and the film doesn't suffer one bit when he's not on screen. Quite the contrary it continues to shine as brightly with Christian Bale once again lending a menace to the Batman that's never been seen outside the pages of the comics. Aaron Eckhart sells his role and his transformation in a way few actors could. And he gets help in doing so from Maggie Gyllenhall. I dislike Katie Holmes in any role that doesn't involve some variation of her Joey character from Dawson's Creek. Batman Begins suffered for her presence. Gyllenhall brings depth and strength to a character that becomes pivotal to events in the film and upon whose acting ability (along with Aaron Eckhart's) the movie hinges upon. Because this film wouldn't be half of what it is without those two being pitch perfect in their roles. Kudos to Ledger but I can't stress this enough: without Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes being as incredibly played by their actors as they were this movie would sink in the last hour.

Another performance that should not be overlooked is that of Gary Oldman as police lieutenant Gordon. Playing a villain is always fun and interesting to watch but playing a good guy, a truly good guy, can often be a pitfall. It is Oldman's incredible talent that makes this performance not only interesting but also a close second to Ledger's.

Michael Caine also delivers a solid character in reprising his role as Alfred and he shines in selling Bruce Wayne/Batman as a very real, well-rounded character. Without Alfred and Bruce's chemistry it'd be hard to relate to the titular character or sympathize very much. Their dynamic is great and I have a hunch their relationship will become more prominent in future films as the Batman continues to consume Bruce.

But the biggest compliment I can pay the film is this: I never saw any of it coming. All the credit for this goes to co-writer Christopher Nolan (with brother
Jonathan) and his direction. Every twist, every plot point is expertly and subtly set up and executed. On a repeat viewing I was amazed by how every single line and action had some effect on the narrative but never on the first viewing do you notice this. The characters are too interesting, the story moves too swiftly for you to process and think "oh, that's gonna come back later." There are also no lingering shots or cutaways here winking at you and making you feel like a 10 year old with no deductive reasoning skills. The plot plays out the way all films should; in the moment with the audience too engrossed to realize where they're being led or that they're being led anywhere at all.

While watching The Dark Knight you won't be aware you're watching a movie. You'll be too busy experiencing a masterpiece.

Facebook Stole My Wingman

Alright so I've been catching a lot of flack for not updating this more often. I will try much harder but between work, naps on the bus (instead of reading/writing) and MGS 4 as well as Summer Blockbuster season I simply have no time. Oh and I have actual human friends I'm expected to interact with. And one of them actually inspired this post so I guess talking to other people has its advantages.

We are the Facebook generation. Or MySpace, whatever your particular poison happens to be. For me it's Facebook so we'll stick with that for now. Everything we know about each other seems to flow directly from these two "social networking" sites. How you network with people from a computer screen while you look around nervously to make sure your boss doesn't catch you is a mystery to me but whatever.

The big draw of these sites is that you can "catch up" with old friends and acquaintances that for whatever reasons you just haven't maintained a steady connection with. This is called Facebook stalking.

In my experience people don't really use Facebook to reach out to those whose lives they're curious about. And why should you? Wanna know where your former high school crush is working? Check her work info! That jerk who dumped you right before prom? He's now backpacking through Europe and you can follow along on his adventures by checking his albums! Check his website section and you'll find a link to his blog detailing the wonders of loose European women!

Truth is we've become a far more isolated society than we used to be and Facebook helps us keep it that way. I don't actually care what the guy who lived down the hall from me Sophomore year is up to now but it's nice to know I probably make more than him and that his new girlfriend might be a man. Through the wonders of Facebooking I learned all this while watching Top Chef and looking up funny quotes for my away message. We truly live in wonderous times.

But Facebook can also be used for evil. Recently I became single (ladies, take note...please don't laugh) and my friend and I made plans to be each other's wingman. We even talked about 'goals' for the summer. During this time there was a girl he was hanging out with (pretty cool, don't blame her for what happened next) whom I was suspicious of. Suspicious because I was fairly certain this girl (while very cool and fun to hang out with) had set her sights on my future Iceman (this kid can't pull off a Goose). For a week my fears were allayed, "Don't worry dude, I'm single."

Then one fateful night I log onto Facebook as I do every 15 minutes only to discover his relationship status had been updated! Betrayed does not begin to describe my feelings at that moment as I watched my plans of an awesome summer of Barney/Ted (HIMYM reference) hijinks go out the virtual window of my soul, chased by a single heart on my news feed.

He'd become one of them; an untouchable.

He'd even gone so far as to list the person he was in a relationship with! Now, being "In a relationship" on Facebook basically tells the world you had a one night stand who turned out be clingy/your friends will hate you if you don't date her for at least a week or 2. Being "In a relationship" and having a NAME attached to it...well you might as well be engaged.

I'm 22 years old going on 23. While a fair amount of people I went to school with are getting married (scary, I know) I'm still not at that point in life where I'm checking fingers for rings. No, I check Facebook. So does everyone else so effectively when you list your significant other on your relationship status you are putting a face to the person who will kick anyone's ass who tries to touch you. Worse; if you're friends with both people you can say good bye to Wall flirting because you will find your Virtual Pet dead under mysterious circumstances.

I've since learned to deal with the fact that I am now wingman-less and am able to see the bright side of mini-feed hearts. While a single bright red heart brought to an end my summer visions of buddy awesomeness another news feed alerted me that the really hot girl in my Junior-year poli-sci class had updated her status to 'Single.'

And as we all know, in the world of Facebook when relatioship status goes from non-existent to single it's time to let the "healing" begin.

"You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry...hungry? That's not right."

Long absence and again I apologize. But here's my The Incredible Hulk review to bring a bright ray of sunshine to your barely tolerable lives. 

From the opening credits this film grabs you. As the names roll you're treated to a retelling of the Hulk origin story. Much like Spider-Man 3 the 

scenes play out in live action but they are done so much better here. You're actually drawn in and there's some suspense and sense of dread.

I don't want to go to far into details of the plot but as the film opens we know Bruce Banner is a man on the run. He has adapted and learned to blend in as much as possible into the culture of his new home, Brazil. His Portuguese is poor but passable and he's attempting meditation to keep his temper and emotions under control. 

Of course the Army and General Ross find him, there would be no movie if that didn't happen. But the story, the chase and the confrontations play out in a way that's entertaining and the action is so fast and intense you don't have time to consider plot points. And frankly when you're watching the Hulk toss forklifts as if they were sticks who really cares about plot?

Apparently Ed Norton does. I've always been a fan of his work and the intensity he brings to his roles. Here he doesn't disappoint. As Bruce Banner you see the toll his journey has taken on him; the weariness and disappointment, the desperation and the fleeting moments where he allows himself to hope. Marvel continues to cast actors instead of faces to lend gravitas to its characters and it pays off in spades. I can only dream of how they would cast a Fantastic Four movie. Seriously, I actually have dreams about it. Such happy, happy dreams where Jessica Alba is nowhere to be seen. 

Liv Tyler is really coming into her own as an actress. She was great in Empire Records and did her job in Armageddon but after seeing her in The Strangers a few weeks ago and now here she's really becoming an actress I'll keep an eye on. It certainly doesn't hurt that she's beautiful. 

As far as villains go Abomination was a pretty solid bet 

here. Great job by Tim Roth (as usual) in bringing a real sense of menace and savagery to his character. 

Like I said I won't go into plot details but we all know Abomination and Hulk throw down and here's what I have to say about that: best modern monster movie scenes ever. Watching the end of the struggle between these two things really takes me back to being a kid and watching the Godzilla movies. These guys want nothing but to beat the tar out of each other, no scratch that; they want to tear each other limb from limb and here's where the CGI really shines. The emotion and barbarism comes across beautifully. Emotions cross the Hulk's face far better than they ever did in that...other movie. 

It's no secret Marvel Studios is building a universe with these movies much like they did in comics. It is the most exciting thing in film right now because you start to care about not only these characters but the characters surrounding them as well. What roles will they play in the future? 

The Tony Stark cameo is brilliant. No spoiler there, everyone has seen the TV spot by now. 

All in all I can't recommend this movie enough. If you liked Iron Man you'll love The Incredible Hulk. A lot of setup here for future films as well that you won't want to miss. Marvel is doing a great job here of drawing in audiences to their other projects by planting seeds in already popular properties.

Can't wait until that Avengers movie :)

HULK SMASH!

I suck

Sorry for not updating in just about 2 weeks. I'm going to a Rilo Kiley concert tonight (AWESOME) so this weekend I'll post my impressions of that. Mostly the post will be an excuse to look up and share some Jenny Lewis pictures. Cause she's effing hot.

Also I'll make you a promise right now that I will update this thing at least twice a week starting next week. My actual goal is 3 times a week but I don't wanna make promises I can't keep. No idea what I'll be talking about but you'll love it because your lives are dull, unimportant and devoid of any meaning. So really, what else do you have to do?

See you in a couple of days!

I'm Afraid of Indiana Jones

So it's Friday, May 23 and I still haven't seen Indy 4. Truth is I'm kinda worried about it. While I have no doubt that I will enjoy it I dread the onslaught of morons I'll have to deal with, harassing me for an opinion on the film. Here's a preview of the exchanges I'll be subjected to:

Moron: Did you see Indiana Jones?

Me: Yeah, I thought it was pretty good, can't beat an Indy movie.

Moron: It sucked! It wasn't even an Indiana Jones movie! Shia Leboeuf is gay!! FUCK GEORGE LUCAS!! How DARE people make movies?? Don't you know you've RUINED my CHILDHOOD??? I'll NEVER watch movies again GAAHAAHRHHAHRH!!! (Tears off shirt and claws at chest)

Me: I wish you'd kill yourself.

I know what the movie is. I've been reading previews and I've heard the buzz. For the love of God do people still not know who I am?! I KNOW all the stuff you think you know and I already know what to expect from this movie.

It's an Indiana Jones movie. There will be lots of action. Inconsequential plot to set up said action. Shia Lebouef is in it, I don't hate him. It's going to be mindless, fun entertainment with a character I grew up with.

Really I'm not looking for Citizen Kane here. I'm not even looking for Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm just looking for the fedora, the whip and Harrison Ford.

Are those things in the movie? Did Steven Spielberg direct it?

Then I'm there!

I love talking about movies, really I do. But I think I need a new policy: I will not discuss this movie or any other "hyped" movies coming out this year with any assholes. You know who you are; the idiots who complain and yell about things in a movie as if someone had raped your child. The moment your argument starts with "It sucked" or "It was a piece of shit" I've already tuned you out and decided you're going on my list of "People I need to eradicate to preserve the human race."

Seriously, it's just a movie. Want to talk about what you liked, didn't like? Great! I'd love to pick your brain and discuss. Keep your tone civil and calm, drop the horrible Rush Limbaugh impersonation and we can have a conversation about any movies you want.

But let's make one thing clear: there are, at most, a handful of people whose opinions about movies, music, books, TV, etc. actually matter to me. The chances that some screaming lunatic is included on that list is not good. Hence, your opinion probably means less than nothing to me. So don't try to make me hate this movie or any other movie by yelling and cursing at me because you'll just end up making me hate you.

More.

For The Trio

This weekend I got to visit my best friends in the entire world, Jon and Erik. I've known Jon for 9 years now and Erik for about 7. If you ever want to know what I'm really like or just get some dirt on me these are the guys to call because even though since high school we see each other an average of about once a year there is still no one who knows me better than these guys.

I suppose it's the fact that they knew me when I had nothing to lose or prove that makes all the difference. Growing up 3 geeky guys in a suburban wasteland called Ronkonkoma there was very little in the way of a social life outside of the movies and the mall for us. We interacted with people in our classes but with little to relate to or talk about with them we never strayed far from our formula of 3. The fact that we were usually broke and couldn't drive meant that most of our time was spent talking.

Anything and everything was discussed. Conversations we'd had with girls were endlessly dissected, right down to tone and inflection. Morons who dared breathe our air were mocked mercilessly. But more importantly we shared our hopes, dreams and fears. We only had each other, no one else to talk to or feel close to, no one whom we felt understood what it was like to be us. We felt safe on our 3-man island.

So we shared everything; the embarrassing stories and thoughts, the stuff that other people would recoil in horror from. All without judgment. There was mocking sure, but also the well-placed trust that this stuff never, ever went outside the circle. Secrets were shared that would remain with us, and only us, never to be told to spouses, children or priest. Our highs, our lows, we had no one to share them with except each other and it is here that the bonds were forged that will ensure our friendship lasts for the rest of our days.

Because now there really is no one else who understands. We were the only ones there, the only witnesses to 3 kids becoming adults, changing and growing, taking the hits life doles out to teenagers everywhere. We had made our group so close, so very tight, that no one else had gotten in. We protected ourselves by closing ourselves off from anyone who might point at us at our most vulnerable and laugh. So it was that at the end of 12 years of schooling misery we stood alone while other graduates scattered off in groups large enough to field a football team.

And now, 5 years after we left our childhoods behind we still stand together, if not alone. The bond's still there, it never went away. No matter how long we go without seeing each other, without speaking to each other we can still fall right back into the old patterns. The secrets are new, the fears and hopes have changed but still when there's something important there is still no one else who gets it better than my best friends. Because they were there. They saw me as I was then when there was no censor, no responsibilities, no expectations or preconceptions to live up to. At my best and my worst they saw the person I was and the person I was capable of becoming for better or worse.

And so it goes that we got together this weekend and everything was easy again. I didn't have to search for words to express myself because they already had them. I didn't have to justify anything because it was already accepted and in some cases expected. There was no need to tread lightly, no worry of offending because these people know me. They know what I am, what I could be, what I'm not and never will be. It's not that I don't have other friends, many of whom have become almost like a second (or in my case, third) family. But they know me now and they never knew me then and I suppose that makes all the difference.

So this is to us; 3 kids from Long Island who dreamed of getting off that hellmouth and becoming new, better people. Successful, popular, and happy. And here's to achieving all of that without ever having lost sight of who we are and what we will always be: a trio.

Life After College

My friend Ashley graduates tomorrow and it got me thinking about what I've learned since I took those final steps away from academia one year ago. So I wrote this for her and also because it's been a week since my last blog post and I needed to write something. My friend Erik graduates too but since I'll actually be at his ceremony he's already got the best gift of all.

Life post-graduation. How is it different?

Well for one you need to learn to start paying for cabs. No longer can you stagger home after a night of drinking because doing so will probably get you mugged. And you can't drive either because the cops are way better at catching drunk drivers than Campus Security ever was. Your first night out a bar will teach you a valuable life lesson: a mile can be fucking expensive.

Alcohol isn't free. I learned this lesson in college but seeing as how you're a girl you probably never had to worry about buying (or making) your own drinks. Also you are no longer expected to bring 5 bucks to a party for the jar instead you are now expected to bring something everyone can drink. Or a bunt cake.

You're a lot dirtier than you thought. You're also a lot cleaner. In college you can always blame the weird smell and crap strewn around on a "dirty" roommate. When you get your own place and the smell is still lingering and clothes are still somehow ending up on your kitchen sink you come to the realization that you're not nearly as "neat" as you thought you were. Eventually though you'll fall into a pattern where your week is spent in slovenly bliss while your weekends are spent frantically vacuuming everything in sight before your parents/friends come over. Eventually you start cleaning just because you want to. Weird, I know.

You hate people. I know, you already think you do. But the truth is you haven't actually had to deal with real people. Most of your neighbors in college ended up being your friends or people you could smile at while secretly wishing they would be quieter when their boyfriend came to stay overnight. But now you have to deal with the people whose lives are pretty much hopeless. They're out of college or never went and they resent your youthful enthusiasm and naivete for thinking you can actually make it in the world. These people will annoy the shit out of you. Whether it's because they insist on smoking in the balcony every single night or by operating a crack den around the clock. Learn to deal with these assholes now because tomorrow you might have to write a news story about them.

People end up in weird places. As you move around the country and visit friends who've relocated you'll be likely to run into people from school you probably thought were dead. But no, they're around. You'll see them at the grocery store, the drive thru, some you'll even run into at a mall you usually don't visit and you'll think "what are the odds?" When you see these people be polite and try to forget the fact that they've seen you naked and are probably picturing you that way.

It's just a piece of paper. Truth is your degree doesn't mean anything, no one's impressed. A college degree nowadays is a lot like a driver's license. You need it for employment but the most it'll get is a glance and a check box, if that. In fact you probably could've just made something like it on Quark, framed it and gotten the same job you have now. But it's been 4 years, a lot of hard work (well, work anyway) and $120,000 so you might as well just suck it up, walk proudly, shake the President's hand and let your parents take a million different pictures of you holding that fancy certificate. You can always use it to cover up the hole in the wall you're pretty sure your neighbor uses to watch you sleep.

So Ashley, as you're sitting in that chair tomorrow, either too cold or feeling faint from the heat just remember that you'll only get to graduate from college once. Thank God. So put on your headphones and add a bitching soundtrack to the endless procession of people you had no idea were still in school, let alone graduating, and be thankful your name is common enough not to be mispronounced.

Good luck!

I Don't Take Advice I Just Read It

For as long as I can remember my Hotmail home page (one of my 4 email accounts) always seems to feature an article about relationships. Invariably these articles either cater to those who want to be in a relationship, are in a relationship but want to "keep the flames alive," are in a failing relationship, or think their lesser half is having an affair.

And I love reading all about them. Whether I'm single or not doesn't matter, I'll read about the art of the pick-up line as readily as I will about how to make the perfect souffle for a night of romance.

I said I read it I don't actually act on any of it.

Maybe it's just me but the advice on these columns seems to be geared towards TV couples. Some of it is solid enough common sense but most of it is just stupid. I know communication is key to a relationship, I've been watching sitcoms since I was 7! I just choose not to communicate. Instead I transmit subtle hints involving eye contact and smashing her porcelain cat collection to 'communicate' the fact that I like my eggs sunny-side-up not over-easy.

And I've never picked up a girl using the tips provided in these articles. Why listen and remember things said in conversation to reference to later when you can just stare at the bridge of her nose, nod occasionally and smile a lot instead? If you're really good and you're at a bar you'll have hit on the girl sitting in front of the TV and can keep an eye on the game at the same time!

As for gift ideas I tend to shop for people the way I like to be shopped for; at comic book/hobby stores. Two reasons for this: 1. It's the golden rule (do unto others and such) and 2. Where else can I get a Wonder Woman statuette that tells her I not only respect her as a strong, independent woman but also that this is what she should look like if she expects me to stick around for next year's birthday?

Not at Kay's, that's for sure!

Bonus: While there make sure you grab some Wonder Woman, Elektra, and Catwoman books for future costume ideas for her. It's sexy but tasteful! The classic Princess Leia in the gold bikini stand-up is also a good choice provided you don't have one already.

These scholarly journals often try to tell me what I should and should not say. They also tell to be honest because trust is key. Make up your minds! Personally I prefer the honesty thing because then I can't be called a liar. When the shouting starts after a chivalrous bout of honesty that's the one thing she can't call me.

Maybe part of the reason why these articles don't seem to apply to me is because all the people that write in with problems are old. I think the youngest I usually see is like 34. Are people still even getting laid at that age? I mean outside of Hollywood. Cause I've seen a lot of 34 year olds and I wouldn't want to lay next to them either.

Maybe I'm just too awesome at relationships. Or maybe sitcoms did too good a job of raising me. Three's Company in particular had an influence on me from an early age.

Oh well, if nothing else I have something to read while I wait for her to bring the groceries up from the car.

**DISCLAIMER: Because I understand some people lack a sarcasm/satire/humor detector let me just state that the opinions expressed above do not in any way, shape or form reflect the opinions of the author, this website, or men in general. Except the part about where to shop for me on my birthday: November 10, 2008. It's coming soon people!**

"Destiny...Is A Fickle Bitch"

Writing a Lost recap is a bit like writing a college thesis; lots of research, plenty of frustration and as the hours tick by the dawning horror that you chose to do this.

I haven't had a chance to do my online scavenging for theories and wild speculation supported by fringe theories about time travel and wormholes but I'll do my best to do a summary and chime in with some theories of my own.

So we start the episode in what looks to be the 50s. That right there lets us know this is going to be a flashback episode. Whose flashback? John Locke!

Locke is one of the most fascinating characters on the island because he seems to have been the most changed by his arrival there. While all the other characters have continued to act more or less as they did pre-crash Locke seems to have gained some sort of insight into the island and abilities he didn't possess prior. Have we ever learned where Locke learned his tracking/hunting skills? Not that I remember.

Once again Locke and Ben are off searching for Jacob only this time they have Hurley along and Ben can't lead the way. It seems that the island no longer has any use for him at the moment. As Ben says to Locke, "Destiny, John, is a fickle bitch."

On the other side of the island Jack is still being his usual obnoxious self and walking around against Juliet's orders. Nothing very interesting happens to the beach-dwellers so I'm not gonna mention them beyond here. Also I don't like Jack.

On the Miles and Sawyer front we don't get anything new this week...well not right away. But a piece of their puzzle is revealed at the end so I'll get to it.

Freighter Losties: Sayid makes a deal with the captain to get off the freighter using a small boat to ferry people back and save them from the crazy soldier-men while Desmond elects to stay behind.

Des: "I've been on that island for 3 years brother. I'm never setting foot again, not with Penny coming for me."

Good call man. We also learn Michael is the one who told Ben Mr. Keamy's name. Well, duh!

The captain tries to stop the army men and gets shot for his trouble. Oh and now we know how the Doctor washed up on the beach. I'm thinking the bulk of the freighter storyline will get resolved in the next episode. Lapidus, to stop Keamy from killing anymore non-fatigue-wearing folks, agrees to fly his army to the island to exterminate the Losties. But as he does he drops off a special delivery on the beach: a Sat phone. We'll learn how that plays out next week as well I guess.

Let's focus on the Locke flashbacks for now.

It seems the island is kind of a pedophile. Not only did it start recruiting Ben at a young age (his mother's ghost and running into the 'hostiles') it also seemed to bond with Walt and now we learn none other than Richard himself (the guy who recruited Juliet) was paying Locke visits when he looked no older than 6 years old.

There's a theory out there that the castaways are stuck in purgatory and are reliving their miserable lives over and over again. There are also far more intricate and difficult to explain theories regarding time travel, worm holes and alternate dimensions. All of those theories got a huge boost tonight. What does Richard want from Locke? He pulls a bunch of stuff out of a bag; a book (Book of Law), a vial filled with what looks like sand, a comic book, a baseball glove, a compass and a knife (there may have been other stuff but I don't remember it now). He then asks Locke "Which of these belong to you?" A perplexed young Locke thinks he's inviting him to take something for himself. Richard clarifies, "Now, which of these belong to you already?"

Apparently the stuff Locke picks is wrong although personally I think he picked all the right stuff. It seems that Richard doesn't think the knife was his and leaves deeming Locke "not ready yet." Sound familiar? Those were his exact words to Ben.

Flash forward to Locke in high school where he seems to be familiar with the inside of his locker and we learn Locke is pretty good at science. So good that Mittelos Corp. wants him to go to their science camp, courtesy of a Mr. Alpert. As in Richard Alpert. Locke though is more interested in being an athlete and fishing than pursuing his natural talent for science.

Interesting throwaway that may mean nothing: Locke may like physical activity but apparently he sucks at it; his teacher tells him he'll never be the quarterback, he's a scientist. Sounds like the Locke we know now may be engaging in some deep wish fulfillment. Is the island behind his new abilities along with regaining the use of his legs?

Flash forward again to Locke after his 8 story fall. He's struggling through physical therapy and as the orderly taking him back to his room tells him he will walk again Locke reveals there's a 98% chance he'll never even regain feeling. The orderly responds. "You fell 8 stories and lived. That is a miracle." After this telling statement the orderly is revealed: it's our old friend Abbadon! The same one who visited Hurley in the hospital after his breakdown and asked, "They're still alive aren't they?" The same one who recruited Naomi. Oh and guess who told Locke he should try going on a walkabout? Apparently though it's gonna cost him. While he scoffs at the idea Abbadon tells him he'll change his mind and the experience will change him, when that happens Locke "owes" him one.

And so the flashbacks go. Locke's connection to the island is far deeper and stretches back further than we thought. No wonder Ben tried to kill him.

As far as present day Locke goes it seems he's now starting to make some connections himself. It starts when he runs into Horace Goodspeed chopping down a tree. This Dharma-dressed mathematician was the same one who found newborn Ben and his dad after Mrs Linus passed away giving birth. He's also the one who recruited Ben's dad to work for Dharma. He's also been dead for 12 years. Horace also seems to have built Jacob's cabin.

I'm not even gonna try to speculate at this point. My friend and I are convinced Locke is Jacob but at this point you could tell me Aaron is Jacob and I'd buy it.

Horace tells Locke to find him and he'll find the cabin. Horace is also apparently stuck reliving the same moment over and over again. Or is he? Turns out Locke was dreaming. Apparently Ben used to have dreams too. Does this mean this is how Jacob or the island communicates with its favorites? Or is this statement more related to Ben's previous conversation with Richard last season, "You do remember birthdays don't you?"

So many possibilities! Locke leads Ben and Hurley back to the mass Dharma grave from the Purge. We learn Ben wasn't actually behind the Purge, the Others' leader was.

Hurley: "I thought you were their leader."
Ben: "Not always."

An allusion to Widmore? (I'm convinced he used to be the island's favorite at some time in the past, perhaps when the Black Rock landed there) Or to Jacob? Someone else?

Anyway Locke finds Horace and goes digging through his corpse to find the blueprints to Jacob's cabin. Now that they have a way to find it Locke tells Hurley he can head back to the beach. Hurley, scared of impending nightfall and striking out on his own, decides to stay with Ben and Locke. Interesting exchange between Ben and Locke:

Ben: "He actually thinks staying is a good idea. Not bad John."
Locke: "I'm not like you."
Ben: "No, you're not."

Did Locke manipulate Hurley? Possibly. Locke may think he's not like Ben but I beg to differ. He's already been willing to sacrifice himself and the rest of the survivors for the island and he's manipulated people into helping him in his cause before. I'd say he may not yet be just like Ben but he seems to be heading down that path.

So now we get to meet Jacob, right? Well no. Locke makes his way in the cabin alone (can't blame Hurley and Ben for sitting tight) and guess who Jacob's new PR guru is? The seemingly omnipresent Christian Shepherd. Oh and Claire.

I knew Claire was dead, not many people can survive a head-on collision with a freaking rocket even if there is a shack between you. Especially not waify, short, Aussie blondes who until now have contributed nothing to the show except for the occasional pout or kidnapping. Finally Claire is interesting!

Apparently though Locke can't tell anyone he saw her there. The essence of Locke and Christian's conversation can be summed up as such:

Christian: "Why don't you ask the one question that does matter?"
Locke: "How do I save the island?"

Not how do I save my friends or myself. The island. Yeah, Ben and Locke are two totally different people and if you believe that I've got a treasure map I'd love to sell you for a steal.

Locke comes out and when Ben and Hurley ask him what Jacob said to do Locke's response is classic Lost: "We have to move the island."

Sure! OK then now that we know let's push, all at once now!

And just like that this season of Lost officially becomes the best yet. Have we gotten a lot of answers? No. Some, but not a lot. But they've moved the story forward in an unprecedented speed and focus. The show ends in 2 seasons and the writers really seem to be inspired by this deadline. In the wake of so many revelations and theories that make me wish I'd earned a PhD in Physics, Philosophy, Theology and Literature (as well as read every comic book and sci-fi novel ever published) this year is shaping up to be the best for Lost, blowing out even the stellar first season.

I'll be back next week with some more Lost awesomeness and then take a one week break for the season finale airing May 29!

PS - Yes, that's Claire (Emilie De Ravin). Enjoy!

Christmas Present Ideas For Me!

There are certain aspects of public transportation that I do not enjoy. The occasional smell of cat litter on the Metro; the large, smelly people who will squeeze in next to me on the bus. These are all mild inconveniences that someone as awesome as myself simply should not have to deal with.

As a solution I have decided I need a chauffeur. Unfortunately these kinds of luxuries are pretty expensive and at the moment I’m concentrating my considerable intellect on other endeavors. Like this blog.

But this got me thinking: if I could afford every luxury in the world what would make the top of my list? And so another hour is wasted as I put careful thought into one of my favorite things; a list!

1. A Chauffeur – see above
2. Fleet of cars – all makes and models, one for every day of the year so I never have to drive the same car twice if I don’t want to
3. Monkey butlers – I touched upon this in another blog. I still really, really want them.
4. Anti-robot defense system – because if it can stop a robot it can stop anything.
5. Truth serum (extra-strength) – I always wonder what people really think of me. This way I can finally find out!
6. Hotels – I like staying in them but I don’t like paying for things I can’t own.
   
7. Thus I will buy them!
8. Crap for my friends – I will probably still need to bribe people to be my friends, but now I can buy eternal loyalty!
9. A personal soundtrack – I want someone to walk behind me at all times playing music appropriate to whatever’s happening in my life. Mainly because I like really good walking music and also because I’ve always wanted to make out to Prince’s “Batdance.”
10. Jesters – I don’t think I really need to explain this one
11. Personal Jet – I don’t ever want to use any method of public transportation. My own 737 ought to take care of that nicely.

I don’t think of myself as spoiled or greedy but if I could afford it I totally would be.

Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo

How I Met Your Mother has been on an amazing roll since it came back from the strike hiatus. I was worried about the show at the beginning of the season but now that the episodes have gotten back to their season 2 levels of awesomeness and the Britney cameos have brought in some more viewers I'm confident we'll see the show return this fall.

On to the recap!

There's a lot of speculation out there that Stella might be the titular mother but I remain skeptical. The premise of the show has always been slightly flimsy - do these kids not know their own mother's name?! At this point it seems like they're just sitting on the couch listening to their dad rehash his failed relationships and conquests. Still, even given that the show has never really stuck to the premise all that well I would think that they would not have cast a blonde girl to play Stella's daughter. If Stella is the mother then she and Ted have more than just the 2 kids we've seen so far. Maybe she's been outcast?

That said part of me hopes Stella is the mother because I've loved Sarah Chalke since the first episode of Scrubs. It doesn't hurt that she and Josh Radnor seem to have great chemistry. So much so that I totally buy that after a 5 year "dry spell" it's Ted she finally decides to let in. Go ahead, giggle. May we move on now?

I liked that the first thing they did to move the relationship forward was not have sex but instead that Stella introduces her daughter to Ted. Makes sense and really establishes them as a serious couple.

Not too much Marshall and Lilly this week but what we did get was classic. From Marshall listing all the big events that happened the last time Stella had sex to Lilly's further characterization as a sex addict. Seriously Marshall must have the stamina of a freaking...what animal can have sex for a really long time? Well that's him.

Oh Barney, how the mighty have fallen. Will Forte makes a great appearance as Randy, Ted's replacement but only after Barney has exhausted all other possibilities. I still think Robin should be Barney's new wingman but we'll see if that happens. Classic line of the night: Randy about his untimely nosebleed, "It happens everytime I get an erection." I had to pause my DVR to recover from that one.

I really, really hope Barney gets welcomed back into the fold. The fact that Ted will still sometimes take his calls to get back together gives me hope. Next week Britney Spears' Abby comes back to team up with Barney to make Ted jealous.

Just typing that sentence makes me chuckle. I'll be back later this week with my recap of Lost. I spend so much time researching the crap out of that show anyway I might as well write a blog for it. I'll post a recap of the season too, Missy. Eventually!

Check back randomly for possible updates!

"I Don't Read Memoirs, I Don't Trust Them"

Augusten Burroughs is a very interesting man. Over the weekend Carly and I went to check out a Q&A with him followed by a book signing. He was funny, insightful and intimate which is not surprising from someone who writes memoirs for a living. So here is a man who has led a life most people wouldn't believe or begin to comprehend. He has turned the adversities he has overcome, the weirdness and complete fucked up-ness of his life, into a cathartic experience he has shared with millions of people. His books, his experiences have touched others and changed their lives in some cases.

So I got to meet this man; I was 3 feet from him and looking him in the eye.

And I was a total dork.

I said the most cliched, awkward things you can say to someone who has written and published 5 books about his terrible childhood and just lectured on the validity of memoirists and what it's like to bare your soul and darkest moments to the public. A man with a 4th grade education who is still an eloquent speaker and writer.

And all I could think to say was, "Great talk!" "Really funny" "Thanks."

Ugh. I know I'm generally an awkward person and it's a rare day when I don't embarrass myself in some kind of social situation but Saturday was a new low. I hate looking stupid in front of people I respect and since there are few of those it makes it especially aggravating. I think I need to start writing scripts detailing what I would say to every respected/admired person I want to meet. For example, here's what I would have said to Augusten had I not been paralyzed by awe and awkwardness:

Me: "I read Rat/Thing and I have to say I was really impressed by how thorough you were in trying to exterminate the thing without resorting to a baseball bat or other blunt instrument. And you're right, in a way that I would never admit to my friends or PETA I found the whole thing pretty damn funny."

So why couldn't I say that?! Why instead did I just stand there fidgeting, trying to remember how to form the word hello instead of complimenting his work in an intelligent and well thought out manner?

I've come to the conclusion that it's because I can talk to pretty girls. See I've never had a problem having a conversation with a girl who would seem to have no need to ever acknowledge my existence. In fact most of my friends are girls who should have no need to acknowledge my existence even if I was the last man on Earth. To compensate for this the universe has instead cursed me with the inability to speak to people I respect and want to emulate.

This doesn't mean celebrities, by the way. I'm pretty confident I can talk to George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston. But Neil Patrick Harris? I would lose the ability to form coherent sentences. Neil Gaiman? There's a good chance I'd pass out. Tina Fey? My head would explode, kinda like if you were to hear the voice of God.

Sure some of those people are "celebrities" but they're also people whose work I respect and admire. And in Tina Fey's case damn hot!

So this is my curse; I can talk to the pretty girl at the bar but I can't move past monosyllabics in front of my heroes.

I really think I'm going to type up those scripts and carry them around. Hopefully I'll be able to retain the ability to read.

Next Time, Baby!

Been a while, sorry! But now for your reading pleasure is my review of Iron Man!

This is one of those movies that made me feel like a kid again. I remember being real little and going to see Superman II in theaters. As soon as we got out I begged my mom for a costume. I got home put a towel around my neck and ran around, arms outstretched, "flying" from couch to couch, bed to floor. It's one of my earliest memories and I swear it's what sparked my love of movies, comic books and everything super heroic.

Iron Man took me back and made me feel like that little boy again. There's so much fun in that movie it's hard not to want to run out to the nearest costume shop and then go home and practice your repulsor blasts. See Tony Stark isn't a nerd who's been picked on his whole life, or a mild mannered reporter or a dark, brooding man whose fate has been shaped by tragedy. He's a big kid.

Imagine that you're a genius, raised in incredible wealth, the world at your fingertips. Your money allows you to do whatever you want and your intellect allows you to dream up and do anything. Literally anything. You have women, cars, planes, friends and booze. Lots and lots of booze. This guy never had to grow up and Robert Downey Jr. plays him perfectly. He believes that by building weapons more powerful than the next guy's he's keeping America safe. Except his weapons don't just end up in our hands, they end up anywhere they're wanted. Sound familiar?

This isn't really a political movie at all but it could be. It could be a metaphor for the way America has failed to adjust from a Cold War policy of Mutual Assured Destruction to one addressing an enemy that is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Where there are no rules and our weapons are useless because these guys have no embassies or royal palaces, no weapons installations or bases. Instead the movie makes it about one man: Tony Stark.

Tony believes he can make the world a better place by giving America the biggest stick. Maybe he never really thought about it or maybe he was really that naive but when he's captured by terrorists in Afghanistan his outlook changes. The first thing he sees during the attack to capture him is that the soldiers he was goofing around with, joking with, had dedicated his life's work to protecting were being blown to bits by his weapons. Missiles marked "Stark Industries" rain all around him. Once he's captured it gets worse as he's asked to build a superweapon out of the huge stockpile of his weapons the terrorists have.

This isn't how it was supposed to be and in the first 20 minutes of the movie you see a man transformed from a cavalier and staunch believer of "how dad did it" to someone who recognizes it's not enough. And it's time to change.

Enter the Mark I. As a comic book geek you have no idea how happy it made me to see this clunky, rickety, noisy ass robot clank his way down a cave blowing up everything in its path. To see Tony struggling to control it, its defects. This is a true origin story. We have a man, one without superpowers or years of discipline and training walking around in a giant suit of metal learning as he goes.

When the Mark I gets shot at you really think it's not as invincible as it looks. Gears exposed and grinding the suit itself becomes an object of suspense. Is it gonna hold up?

And that's how Iron Man unfolds. Will Tony learn how to fly? Will he solve the icing problem? Can he take down the Iron Monger?

I came out of that theater feeling more exhilarated and overjoyed than I have in a long time. Since the first Spider Man, actually. Because this wasn't a superhero movie it was a comic book movie. And yes, there is a difference. Jon Favreau has always been a favorite of mine and I couldn't be happier this is his entry into the upper echelon of directors. Gwyneth Paltrow redeems herself for years of mediocre parts in this. And Robert Downey Jr. is finally what he should have been for years; a movie star.

I'll be seeing this a few more times, count on it. And between this, Indiana Jones, The Dark Knight and Wall*e it's going to be a great summer for those who want to feel like a kid again at the movies.

5 stars out of 5.

The Bro Code

Oh Barney, you really did it this time. Not only did you break a law from the most sacred of books but it was a book written by your own ancestor!

I don't know how Ted could ever forgive this really. See the Bro Code is a very real code and its clauses and articles are 

every bit as complex as Barney makes them out to be. Now not all crimes against Bros have the same punishment. For instance; say Bro A has a really hot sister that Bro B wants to get with. Should Bro B follow through on his instincts and seduce the alluring Brodette (for any female relatives of a Bro by extension become Brodettes especially around other Bros) one of 2 things happens next:

1. Bro B repents, begs for forgiveness and treats Bro A to season tickets to his favorite team(s). The number of teams is directly proportional to the amount of advantage taken of Brodette (was she also looking to score and brag to friends or have a passionate night to forever commemorate in a scrapbook titled "Our Love" ?). 
2. Bro B marries Brodette and they live happily ever after. After Bro A punches Bro B in the groin that is.

So you see there are ways to get around the dreaded No-Bro provision. This provision stipulates that any Bro who breaks the Code shall no longer be a Bro unless he moves to a different Country with different Bro statutes. This provision can be exercised at any time by the offended Bro. Normally most Bros not involved with the situation will either declare the ruling "harsh" or "totally." 

At first I was tempted to rule on the side of harsh in Barney's case. But then Ted made a very good point. Barney, until now, was the most stringent and vocal Code devotee. Most Bros practice the code in stoic silence, its principles embedded in our DNA and through countless playground beatings. Barney chose to become not just a follower but an advocate of the Code. Imagine a Supreme Court Justice burning the Constitution. 

Oh yes, it's that serious. Can Barney come back from this? Maybe. But he has a lot of ground to make up. 

Now we address a much bigger conundrum; Marshall. See normally if one Bro becomes dead to another Bro a third Bro does not have to communicate with the corpse. He can but again this depends on the severity of the infraction. Sisters, mothers, exes all fall under the jurisdiction of "dude!" As in "Dude, what the hell?!" It is within Marshall's purview, as Ted's best friend, to thus negate Barney's existence before his eyes. He can also however, continue to be friends with Barney, although not Bros. This is because Marshall is recognized as being a "good Bro" who would never break the code and also he's married which makes him a rock-solid wingman for life. And since Ted is generally a good guy as well it is not far-fetched to think he may allow some interaction with the excommunicated former Bro. 

But as always, Ted does get final say as the wronged Bro.

To the uninitiated/women this may all seem convoluted, stupid and made-up. You are obviously a) a douchebag or b) lacking testicles (literally or figuratively). The Code 

is very real and has been handed down through generations. Of course most of us haven't had it leather-bound and the pages gilded like Barney. 

And that's really the greatest tragedy of all; we lost a legendary Bro today.

Slacking

So I totally didn't post an Office recap and that's mostly Lost's fault. Rather than write the recap I a) watched Lost then b) spent ungodly amounts of time researching stuff from the episode.

Yeah, I'm awesome like that.

So Office blogs might be a little tougher than I had anticipated. But How I Met Your Mother is on tonight and I should have no problem recapping that.

On the alternative Lost diary front I haven't worked on it at all. I will eventually though so if it ever shows up on here you will know I'm a man of my word. If it doesn't you will know I am a lazy, lazy man.

I think I've done pretty well keeping this updated so far. I'm gonna look for some kind of news story that annoys me later and maybe post about that if I have time. In the meantime I'll leave you with something to discuss amongst yourselves:

If the robots gave us the option of joining with them and becoming cyborgs (thus preserving our memories but ridding us of weak emotions and forever corrupting our souls) would you do it? Keep in mind the alternative is death. Like, seriously painful, un-fun death. The kind that would make Jack Bauer cry...if he wasn't dead.

I Have A Compulsive Need To Have The Last Word

So because I'm really OCD about answering people's comments/wall posts/texts/letters/eulogies I thought it necessary to create this post. Some people have left me comments on here...OK only 4 but that still counts as "some," and I came up with funny responses to them but had no way of sharing them. Except with one person but that doesn't count because unless you read her blog and her comments too you'd never have seen mine. So without further ado here are my clever responses to your merely adequate comments (but keep them coming!).

Carly: Yes, the tape beat you. Get over it. Do I need to write down the track list to further illustrate my point? Nothing could compete with this ultimate mix!

Missy: You have no idea how proud I am that my blog will be a factor in distracting you from your work and may be the reason all your years of hard work will have been for nothing. It's been a dream of mine.


Jon: We are the two most awesome people this planet has ever seen. Of course we liked the same scenes, they were the best! Because we said so.

Ashley: It still makes me smile whenever you let your hopes for humanity's intelligence get a little too high only to be savagely beaten down and left bloodied when people act like retarded baboons. I smile and shake my head and think "see, that's why she'll just never be as awesome."

So keep those comments coming and I'll keep responding to them in the only forum available to me. Because I have to.

Office blog later tonight so keep checking! Also, Lost is back and I've never been happier!

The Guy Who Invented Velcro Had Nothing To Do On Saturday Nights

It's amazing what being bored out of your skull can do for your imagination. During a lull at work today (well not so much a lull as a decision not to do work for an hour) I started thinking about cool stuff I could invent. While I didn't come up with any actual products or prototypes I did come up with a list of things that annoy me and that someone should get working on. I'd do it myself but the new season of Battlestar Galactica has already started and I gotta catch up!

1. The Metro is really crowded and when I got on it yesterday it smelled like puke.
2. People smell disgusting - especially when they sweat/breathe. Obviously toothpaste and deodorant are not cutting it.
3. My Subway sandwiches always fall apart and I'm left scrounging the wrapper for lettuce and onions. I don't like to waste, there's people starving in the world and I'm not about to join them.
4. Ugly people who think you're checking them out when in reality you're really just trying to figure out where it all went horribly wrong.
5. Things that taste good make you fat.
6. Cancer. It sucks ass people, fix it!
7. My building has 7 elevators yet only 2 run at any one time. While I understand that if I was the guy running elevators this would be sadistically hilarious I don't like to stand closer than 5 feet from people: see #2 above.
   
8. Tonight I have to watch My Name is Earl, Scrubs, The Office, 30 Rock, Lost and Grey's Anatomy. Even with a DVR this is daunting. Can't we spread that out some? Do we really need 2 one-hour American Idols in a week? Or According to Jim?
9. I think there's really no reason why a statue of me can't be built in Times Square.
   
10. Monkey butlers. It's time they gave something back.
    

So if any of you have any ideas or solutions for the list above please feel free to share them with me. Since I probably inspired you by listing these issues I'll require 60% ownership of any patents or trademarks filed as well as merchandising rights.

It's for the good of mankind, don't be selfish.