"I Don't Read Memoirs, I Don't Trust Them"

Augusten Burroughs is a very interesting man. Over the weekend Carly and I went to check out a Q&A with him followed by a book signing. He was funny, insightful and intimate which is not surprising from someone who writes memoirs for a living. So here is a man who has led a life most people wouldn't believe or begin to comprehend. He has turned the adversities he has overcome, the weirdness and complete fucked up-ness of his life, into a cathartic experience he has shared with millions of people. His books, his experiences have touched others and changed their lives in some cases.

So I got to meet this man; I was 3 feet from him and looking him in the eye.

And I was a total dork.

I said the most cliched, awkward things you can say to someone who has written and published 5 books about his terrible childhood and just lectured on the validity of memoirists and what it's like to bare your soul and darkest moments to the public. A man with a 4th grade education who is still an eloquent speaker and writer.

And all I could think to say was, "Great talk!" "Really funny" "Thanks."

Ugh. I know I'm generally an awkward person and it's a rare day when I don't embarrass myself in some kind of social situation but Saturday was a new low. I hate looking stupid in front of people I respect and since there are few of those it makes it especially aggravating. I think I need to start writing scripts detailing what I would say to every respected/admired person I want to meet. For example, here's what I would have said to Augusten had I not been paralyzed by awe and awkwardness:

Me: "I read Rat/Thing and I have to say I was really impressed by how thorough you were in trying to exterminate the thing without resorting to a baseball bat or other blunt instrument. And you're right, in a way that I would never admit to my friends or PETA I found the whole thing pretty damn funny."

So why couldn't I say that?! Why instead did I just stand there fidgeting, trying to remember how to form the word hello instead of complimenting his work in an intelligent and well thought out manner?

I've come to the conclusion that it's because I can talk to pretty girls. See I've never had a problem having a conversation with a girl who would seem to have no need to ever acknowledge my existence. In fact most of my friends are girls who should have no need to acknowledge my existence even if I was the last man on Earth. To compensate for this the universe has instead cursed me with the inability to speak to people I respect and want to emulate.

This doesn't mean celebrities, by the way. I'm pretty confident I can talk to George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston. But Neil Patrick Harris? I would lose the ability to form coherent sentences. Neil Gaiman? There's a good chance I'd pass out. Tina Fey? My head would explode, kinda like if you were to hear the voice of God.

Sure some of those people are "celebrities" but they're also people whose work I respect and admire. And in Tina Fey's case damn hot!

So this is my curse; I can talk to the pretty girl at the bar but I can't move past monosyllabics in front of my heroes.

I really think I'm going to type up those scripts and carry them around. Hopefully I'll be able to retain the ability to read.