Life After College

My friend Ashley graduates tomorrow and it got me thinking about what I've learned since I took those final steps away from academia one year ago. So I wrote this for her and also because it's been a week since my last blog post and I needed to write something. My friend Erik graduates too but since I'll actually be at his ceremony he's already got the best gift of all.

Life post-graduation. How is it different?

Well for one you need to learn to start paying for cabs. No longer can you stagger home after a night of drinking because doing so will probably get you mugged. And you can't drive either because the cops are way better at catching drunk drivers than Campus Security ever was. Your first night out a bar will teach you a valuable life lesson: a mile can be fucking expensive.

Alcohol isn't free. I learned this lesson in college but seeing as how you're a girl you probably never had to worry about buying (or making) your own drinks. Also you are no longer expected to bring 5 bucks to a party for the jar instead you are now expected to bring something everyone can drink. Or a bunt cake.

You're a lot dirtier than you thought. You're also a lot cleaner. In college you can always blame the weird smell and crap strewn around on a "dirty" roommate. When you get your own place and the smell is still lingering and clothes are still somehow ending up on your kitchen sink you come to the realization that you're not nearly as "neat" as you thought you were. Eventually though you'll fall into a pattern where your week is spent in slovenly bliss while your weekends are spent frantically vacuuming everything in sight before your parents/friends come over. Eventually you start cleaning just because you want to. Weird, I know.

You hate people. I know, you already think you do. But the truth is you haven't actually had to deal with real people. Most of your neighbors in college ended up being your friends or people you could smile at while secretly wishing they would be quieter when their boyfriend came to stay overnight. But now you have to deal with the people whose lives are pretty much hopeless. They're out of college or never went and they resent your youthful enthusiasm and naivete for thinking you can actually make it in the world. These people will annoy the shit out of you. Whether it's because they insist on smoking in the balcony every single night or by operating a crack den around the clock. Learn to deal with these assholes now because tomorrow you might have to write a news story about them.

People end up in weird places. As you move around the country and visit friends who've relocated you'll be likely to run into people from school you probably thought were dead. But no, they're around. You'll see them at the grocery store, the drive thru, some you'll even run into at a mall you usually don't visit and you'll think "what are the odds?" When you see these people be polite and try to forget the fact that they've seen you naked and are probably picturing you that way.

It's just a piece of paper. Truth is your degree doesn't mean anything, no one's impressed. A college degree nowadays is a lot like a driver's license. You need it for employment but the most it'll get is a glance and a check box, if that. In fact you probably could've just made something like it on Quark, framed it and gotten the same job you have now. But it's been 4 years, a lot of hard work (well, work anyway) and $120,000 so you might as well just suck it up, walk proudly, shake the President's hand and let your parents take a million different pictures of you holding that fancy certificate. You can always use it to cover up the hole in the wall you're pretty sure your neighbor uses to watch you sleep.

So Ashley, as you're sitting in that chair tomorrow, either too cold or feeling faint from the heat just remember that you'll only get to graduate from college once. Thank God. So put on your headphones and add a bitching soundtrack to the endless procession of people you had no idea were still in school, let alone graduating, and be thankful your name is common enough not to be mispronounced.

Good luck!