I'm Afraid of Indiana Jones

So it's Friday, May 23 and I still haven't seen Indy 4. Truth is I'm kinda worried about it. While I have no doubt that I will enjoy it I dread the onslaught of morons I'll have to deal with, harassing me for an opinion on the film. Here's a preview of the exchanges I'll be subjected to:

Moron: Did you see Indiana Jones?

Me: Yeah, I thought it was pretty good, can't beat an Indy movie.

Moron: It sucked! It wasn't even an Indiana Jones movie! Shia Leboeuf is gay!! FUCK GEORGE LUCAS!! How DARE people make movies?? Don't you know you've RUINED my CHILDHOOD??? I'll NEVER watch movies again GAAHAAHRHHAHRH!!! (Tears off shirt and claws at chest)

Me: I wish you'd kill yourself.

I know what the movie is. I've been reading previews and I've heard the buzz. For the love of God do people still not know who I am?! I KNOW all the stuff you think you know and I already know what to expect from this movie.

It's an Indiana Jones movie. There will be lots of action. Inconsequential plot to set up said action. Shia Lebouef is in it, I don't hate him. It's going to be mindless, fun entertainment with a character I grew up with.

Really I'm not looking for Citizen Kane here. I'm not even looking for Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm just looking for the fedora, the whip and Harrison Ford.

Are those things in the movie? Did Steven Spielberg direct it?

Then I'm there!

I love talking about movies, really I do. But I think I need a new policy: I will not discuss this movie or any other "hyped" movies coming out this year with any assholes. You know who you are; the idiots who complain and yell about things in a movie as if someone had raped your child. The moment your argument starts with "It sucked" or "It was a piece of shit" I've already tuned you out and decided you're going on my list of "People I need to eradicate to preserve the human race."

Seriously, it's just a movie. Want to talk about what you liked, didn't like? Great! I'd love to pick your brain and discuss. Keep your tone civil and calm, drop the horrible Rush Limbaugh impersonation and we can have a conversation about any movies you want.

But let's make one thing clear: there are, at most, a handful of people whose opinions about movies, music, books, TV, etc. actually matter to me. The chances that some screaming lunatic is included on that list is not good. Hence, your opinion probably means less than nothing to me. So don't try to make me hate this movie or any other movie by yelling and cursing at me because you'll just end up making me hate you.

More.