I Don't Take Advice I Just Read It

For as long as I can remember my Hotmail home page (one of my 4 email accounts) always seems to feature an article about relationships. Invariably these articles either cater to those who want to be in a relationship, are in a relationship but want to "keep the flames alive," are in a failing relationship, or think their lesser half is having an affair.

And I love reading all about them. Whether I'm single or not doesn't matter, I'll read about the art of the pick-up line as readily as I will about how to make the perfect souffle for a night of romance.

I said I read it I don't actually act on any of it.

Maybe it's just me but the advice on these columns seems to be geared towards TV couples. Some of it is solid enough common sense but most of it is just stupid. I know communication is key to a relationship, I've been watching sitcoms since I was 7! I just choose not to communicate. Instead I transmit subtle hints involving eye contact and smashing her porcelain cat collection to 'communicate' the fact that I like my eggs sunny-side-up not over-easy.

And I've never picked up a girl using the tips provided in these articles. Why listen and remember things said in conversation to reference to later when you can just stare at the bridge of her nose, nod occasionally and smile a lot instead? If you're really good and you're at a bar you'll have hit on the girl sitting in front of the TV and can keep an eye on the game at the same time!

As for gift ideas I tend to shop for people the way I like to be shopped for; at comic book/hobby stores. Two reasons for this: 1. It's the golden rule (do unto others and such) and 2. Where else can I get a Wonder Woman statuette that tells her I not only respect her as a strong, independent woman but also that this is what she should look like if she expects me to stick around for next year's birthday?

Not at Kay's, that's for sure!

Bonus: While there make sure you grab some Wonder Woman, Elektra, and Catwoman books for future costume ideas for her. It's sexy but tasteful! The classic Princess Leia in the gold bikini stand-up is also a good choice provided you don't have one already.

These scholarly journals often try to tell me what I should and should not say. They also tell to be honest because trust is key. Make up your minds! Personally I prefer the honesty thing because then I can't be called a liar. When the shouting starts after a chivalrous bout of honesty that's the one thing she can't call me.

Maybe part of the reason why these articles don't seem to apply to me is because all the people that write in with problems are old. I think the youngest I usually see is like 34. Are people still even getting laid at that age? I mean outside of Hollywood. Cause I've seen a lot of 34 year olds and I wouldn't want to lay next to them either.

Maybe I'm just too awesome at relationships. Or maybe sitcoms did too good a job of raising me. Three's Company in particular had an influence on me from an early age.

Oh well, if nothing else I have something to read while I wait for her to bring the groceries up from the car.

**DISCLAIMER: Because I understand some people lack a sarcasm/satire/humor detector let me just state that the opinions expressed above do not in any way, shape or form reflect the opinions of the author, this website, or men in general. Except the part about where to shop for me on my birthday: November 10, 2008. It's coming soon people!**