Monday, January 19, 2009

Going Home is the Never the Same as Being Home

I miss New York. I miss the smells; the pleasant and the not-so. I miss its sounds; the constant buzz of a crowd; the quiet rumble of the subway gaining volume as it draws nearer; the $350 honk of a Taxi cab. I miss the people in all their wonderful rudeness and indifference to whatever may happen around them. I miss the tourists gazing about in slack-jawed wonder and stealing glances at the charming weirdness surrounding them and trying desperately to fit in. I miss the feeling of belonging and like no matter how unique you are you are never too unique to find a scene. I miss the history and its weight upon you at every corner and in every building. I miss the hope and the future not-yet-fulfilled. I miss the inspiration and the knowledge that no matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter who you become there is one thing you will always be; a New Yorker. And that is enough.




Monday, January 12, 2009

Why is Kate Hudson Allergic to Good Movies?

I'm a big fan of Kate Hudson. And by big fan I mean I enjoy looking at her. I'm trying to be a gentleman here because let's face it, her acting hasn't been anything worth praising since Almost Famous. Let's quickly run down some of her most recent gems, shall we? In no particular order (except the one they popped into my head in) here is a list of her most notable oeuvre of the last 5 years. 


How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - This movie is offensive to women, men and plants. Basically it takes the two most horrible 
people in the world, the most morally bankrupt, heartless and cruel people you can think of, puts them in wacky situations and calls it a "rom com." Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey have great chemistry, there's no denying that. But even with their cute banter and spastic movements I can't get over the fact that they both agree to make someone FALL IN LOVE with them only to DUMP them and BREAK THEIR HEART in less than 10 days. Yup, that's what great romance is truly made of. 

Fool's Gold - I didn't see this. While the trailers promised a lot of Kate Hudson in a bikini (and shirtless Matthew McConaughey for the ladies) I've already seen Kate topless in Almost Famous and it's not impressive. Besides, I still hate these two together for no other reason than that they starred in the aforementioned POS. These two should just do it and spare us from another crappy tale of terrible people falling in love. 


Raising Helen - Also didn't see this but Kate once again plays a not-very-nice person only this time she's got kids in her care. 
Cause if you can't get Matthew McConaughey get a bunch of cute kids and that guy from Sex and the City who's not Big. It's amazing how there are now two of her movies on this list that I judged completely based on the trailers (which are supposed to have the best scenes to get audiences in the theater) and I doubt I've misjudged them. Feel free to leave comments proving me wrong. 

My Best Friend's Girl - Forget for a moment that Dane Cook is in it. Also forget that Jason Biggs is in it and still playing Jim from American Pie. Lizzy Caplan is in this but don't judge her for it. As far as Kate Hudson films go this one actually isn't too bad. For one thing she's not the most horrible character in the movie for once, that's Dane Cook's job. And even his character is not altogether bad, more operating in a gray area, going out with women who've recently dumped their nice boyfriends and making them realize just how hard it is to find guys that nice. He also gives guys who've made mistakes a second chance to make up for them, though how he knows they're reformed is not really explained. The jokes are chuckle worthy and Dane Cook knows how to play a douchebag. If you have to watch a "date movie" this one won't make your eyeballs bleed. 

You, Me and Dupree - You know why this is a good Kate Hudson movie? She's barely in it. And she still wears skimpy outfits! This isn't a good movie by any means but it's funny enough and it's tough not to like Owen Wilson in anything. And Seth Rogen is in it. I'll watch anything with Seth Rogen in it at this point. Like Mr. Wilson he's tough not to like in any role. 

I guess that's the same reason women don't mind sitting through Kate Hudson's movies. As much as her movies represent a phenomenal step down into the dreck of Hollywood from her Academy Award-nominated turn as Penny in Almost Famous the girl is damn cute. So here's my advice guys; buy a decent pair of earplugs, sit back and enjoy 90 minutes of best mixture of cute and sexy on the silver screen today. Cause you know you're totally getting dragged to Bride Wars

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Raped by Santa

The holidays have once again come and gone and left my wallet sodomized, bleeding and feeling like a used tissue. You'd think in a recession retailers struggling for foot traffic would have massive holiday sales to spur demand but then you'd be a rational-thinking person and not a corporate CEO.

I did all of my shopping at the last minute and at the mall so maybe I just wasn't looking in the right places but considering that I refuse to set foot in a Wal-Mart I really don't see how I could've done much better. I fear that my friends and family are smart enough to know when I've just grabbed one thing off every shelf in the Housewares department at Target. It's bad enough they think I did all of my shopping at the last minute.

I think it's only polite to inform someone that you're getting them a Christmas gift. Traditionally I only get my friends birthday gifts, mainly because I just don't like them that much and unlike family have no obligation to get them anything. Until this year the practice held fast until suddenly two of my friends decided to get me a Christmas gift. Now, I am grateful and I do like the gifts but seriously, what the hell? From now on email me a heads up so I can at least match your gift (although from now on those 2 friends get crappy re-gifts for daring to break a sacred tradition).

Girls who work at girly bath/smelly candle stores think a guy who walks in with a completely baffled look is cute as hell. I learned this years ago but this is the first Christmas in a long time I got to exploit it. It helps if you're not shopping with your mom.

People can't control their children in crowds and I think it's because they secretly hope the child will vanish and they'll get their lives back. Or at least get on Nancy Grace a couple of times.

There are no two people I want to hate more in the entire world than Justin Timberlake and Anderson Cooper. Want to but can't.

I don't know how to fix the time stamp on this blog. It always has the time wrong on my posts. I don't actually blog during the day or at 4 in the morning.

I'm a pretty lucky guy except in Atlantic City. Probably Vegas too.