Monday, April 28, 2008

The Bro Code

Oh Barney, you really did it this time. Not only did you break a law from the most sacred of books but it was a book written by your own ancestor!

I don't know how Ted could ever forgive this really. See the Bro Code is a very real code and its clauses and articles are 
every bit as complex as Barney makes them out to be. Now not all crimes against Bros have the same punishment. For instance; say Bro A has a really hot sister that Bro B wants to get with. Should Bro B follow through on his instincts and seduce the alluring Brodette (for any female relatives of a Bro by extension become Brodettes especially around other Bros) one of 2 things happens next:
  1. Bro B repents, begs for forgiveness and treats Bro A to season tickets to his favorite team(s). The number of teams is directly proportional to the amount of advantage taken of Brodette (was she also looking to score and brag to friends or have a passionate night to forever commemorate in a scrapbook titled "Our Love" ?). 
  2. Bro B marries Brodette and they live happily ever after. After Bro A punches Bro B in the groin that is.
So you see there are ways to get around the dreaded No-Bro provision. This provision stipulates that any Bro who breaks the Code shall no longer be a Bro unless he moves to a different Country with different Bro statutes. This provision can be exercised at any time by the offended Bro. Normally most Bros not involved with the situation will either declare the ruling "harsh" or "totally." 

At first I was tempted to rule on the side of harsh in Barney's case. But then Ted made a very good point. Barney, until now, was the most stringent and vocal Code devotee. Most Bros practice the code in stoic silence, its principles embedded in our DNA and through countless playground beatings. Barney chose to become not just a follower but an advocate of the Code. Imagine a Supreme Court Justice burning the Constitution. 

Oh yes, it's that serious. Can Barney come back from this? Maybe. But he has a lot of ground to make up. 

Now we address a much bigger conundrum; Marshall. See normally if one Bro becomes dead to another Bro a third Bro does not have to communicate with the corpse. He can but again this depends on the severity of the infraction. Sisters, mothers, exes all fall under the jurisdiction of "dude!" As in "Dude, what the hell?!" It is within Marshall's purview, as Ted's best friend, to thus negate Barney's existence before his eyes. He can also however, continue to be friends with Barney, although not Bros. This is because Marshall is recognized as being a "good Bro" who would never break the code and also he's married which makes him a rock-solid wingman for life. And since Ted is generally a good guy as well it is not far-fetched to think he may allow some interaction with the excommunicated former Bro. 

But as always, Ted does get final say as the wronged Bro.

To the uninitiated/women this may all seem convoluted, stupid and made-up. You are obviously a) a douchebag or b) lacking testicles (literally or figuratively). The Code 
is very real and has been handed down through generations. Of course most of us haven't had it leather-bound and the pages gilded like Barney. 

And that's really the greatest tragedy of all; we lost a legendary Bro today.

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