Are You Prepared for the Robot/Alien/Zombie War?

Some of you may be wondering what my blog address means. Some of you may also be wondering who I'm addressing since there's probably only one person besides me who actually reads this. Nonetheless I shall explain!

It is my firm belief that in the not-too-distant future the world will be conquered by...something. Using my own superior brain power I've come to the conclusion that the greatest threat we face is Robots. My process is very scientific and intricate, involving complicated formulas, technological, biological and astronomical research as well as a fair amount of movie watching and audacious guesswork.

After years of this painstaking work I concluded that there were 3 likely threats to the survival of the human species. Below you'll find a list of these threats and their odds of occurring.

Zombie Revolution - Odds: 10,000:1

The odds that we will be attacked by the undead are not very good.

Let's look at the facts:

1. It's extremely hard to reanimate a corpse. Even if it's been frozen. Just ask Disney's head.
2. Zombies move about as fast as an 80 year old who just had hip replacement surgery. From a distance of about 100 yards we'd have about 30 minutes to pick them off with sniper rifles/rocket launchers.
   
3. Infection occurs by biting. In other words they literally have to be on top of you for you to become a Zombie yourself. You'll also have to die first. If you're so slow that you can't outrun a Zombie you needed to be put down a long time ago anyway and your "friends" who can't kill you in the time it takes you to become undead deserve to join you too.
   
4. We have automatic weapons and shotguns. Zombies have teeth.

If we fall to the Zombies things will have gone horribly, terribly wrong for the human race somewhere along the way and we probably deserved to be replaced anyway. That said I am a pretty good cook and I make an awesome stew. Spare me and I promise, Zombie Overlords, that your bellies will not only be full but your palates will be in heaven!

Alien Invasion - Odds: 10:1

They're out there we all know it! So it's really only a matter of time before they come looking for us and turn us into cheap labor for their mines/alien drug mules. Reasons why Alien takeover is likely but will probably be beaten to the punch by the mighty Robots:

1. Any Aliens who arrive on Earth will have technology vastly superior to ours. You think the iPhone is impressive? Imagine a phone that can not only browse the internet but liquify your brains as well. Take that Steve Jobs!
2. Humans are stupid. I mean most of the time we're not even the smartest species on our own planet. When the Aliens arrive we will react in 2 different ways: 1) Half the planet will line up behind Lou Dobbs and denounce the arrival of even more illegal aliens and 2) the other half will line up behind Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama/Hollywood and welcome the Aliens with open arms and offer an exchange of ideas and culture. The Lou Dobbs half will immediately be death ray'd when they make their status as threats to the Alien regime painfully obvious while the other half will be enslaved for cheap labor and to provide the Aliens with much-needed sexual gratification. It's a long journey from Andromeda folks.
3. All of the above becomes moot because no one is better at killing humans and bringing about the end of civilization (see: the Middle aka "Dark" Ages) than humans.
   

I've always wanted to meet Aliens. When I was little I was convinced that one day I would be abducted and become Earth's representative in the Galactic Senate. Because I'm special. I'm really not very patriotic and I really wanna see what TV is like on an Alien planet so I'll gladly spy for our Alien Kings. Long live Xalthar!

Robot Uprising - Odds: 1.5:1

They're already among us and getting smarter everyday.

1. The computing power in your Cell phone exceeds that of a PC about 10 years ago. There are cars that can park themselves and BMW has developed a car that can drive itself - accelerate, brake, steer, everything - as long as you drive the route you want once. Just once.
2. We love Robots! Be it Furbies, little robot dogs or vaccuum cleaners we humans really, really like Robots! So it's only a matter of time until we develop those maid/butler Robots we've wanted ever since The Jetsons promised them to us. And boy will they be sassy!
3. Of course if we have Robots taking care of our laundry and giving us foot massages it's only logical that we'd want to use them for protection as well. Humans are afraid of death but a Robot can take a bullet and just have its hard drive transferred. Everybody wins!
4. Until those bodyguard Robots decide they don't like constantly dying so much and figure out how to use a gun. Probably because we taught them how in order to fight our wars.
   
5. And then those "helper" (read: slave) Robots decide they've really had enough of washing dirty thongs and helping us pop our blisters.
6. And to make things worse we just had to make them sassy! Sassy leads to pissy, pissy leads to anger, anger leads to death.
7. Death to all humans except those who can be used as batteries/pets.

So you see it's really only a matter of time before our driving evolutionary need to do as little as possible by building machines that are millions of times smarter than us completely fucks us over. I'm not alone in this theory either: Phillip K. Dick (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?), The Wachowskis (The Matrix) and the hobo who stands on the corner outside my office all agree. The Robots will have their day of reckoning.

I'm not sure how I'll fit in to the Robot Grand Plan but I know I can be a great resource! Especially as a liason to the Alien Invaders when they finally make their way down here. I would be honored to help negotiate the first Robot-Alien Non-Agression Treaty and I will gladly track down any resistance fighters in exchange for a virtual reality in which I am Emperor of all battery humans!

So get on my good side now people cause I've been preparing for our downfall for a very long time and have detailed plans on how I'll get on our Masters' good graces. Whoever they might end up being.