Monday, April 21, 2008

My Talents Are Useless for Love or Why I Didn't Get Laid in High School

As I passed a man playing the guitar on the street today I couldn't help but be jealous. Not of his ragged hippie clothes or unpleasant smell. But of how all those things don't matter because he can play "Crash" and thus seduce the pants off girls in college dorms across the country.

Like most things this made me dwell on my own awesomeness and I came to a horrible realization: that while my talents are many and varied they are completely useless in getting girls to swoon. And I don't mean that metaphorically I wanna see a girl actually faint in front of me. Now I know why that's never happened.

It's not my fault! Really it's just that I never acquired the otherwise useless skills necessary to impress a girl from "hi" to third base in less than 30 minutes. Not without alcohol or blunt force trauma anyway. Why, you ask?

Well first of all don't ever question me again. Secondly it's not like I didn't try. I have a guitar and I do a decent job playing it. But I can't sing, that's just bad genes! I played basketball when I was younger but I was born the wrong shade of tan. Also I really sucked. My hair looks best when it's cut short but that means using gel and I found out early on girls would rather stroke a cactus than get sticky hands.

So what are my talents? And again why are you questioning me?

I have a very biting wit and combined with my sarcasm I have left men in tears. Well not men really, mostly 14 year old boys. And by 14 I mean 10. And by boys I mean girls...girl. But that's hardly the kind of stuff that will leave women yearning for my touch. Mostly it earned me a kick in the shin.

Then of course there's my literary ability. No one can spin a yarn of inconsequence and bloated prose quite like I can. Nor make up as many words. But somehow handing the object of my affections a 20 page essay satirizing the modern use of loofas did nothing to get me a prom date. Meanwhile the barely literate idiot with the stupid glasses in my Physics class hands her a poorly written limmerick in French (he used both past participle and future imperfect...who DOES that??) and suddenly he's describing what boobs feel like to me. The injustice!

It appears that while I am an impressive specimen of human achievement I do have some way to go before I become perfect. So excuse me now while I go practice hot cross buns, I figure at this rate in 10 months I'll finally get the jokes in American Pie.

2 comments:

Carly said...

But you have a girlfriend so you should be consistently getting laid. :)

Anonymous said...

uggh Jurgen. I found your blog and now it is going to be added to my long procrastination schedule that I perform every time I sit down at the computer to do homework.
Thanks alot.
The blog is quite funny, but all your reviews makes me sad and realize that I no longer watch tv or movies because someone at Penn State watched way too many alien movies and they are committed to sucking every last bit of fun out of my pathetic life.
Keep it up.