I'm Afraid of Indiana Jones

So it's Friday, May 23 and I still haven't seen Indy 4. Truth is I'm kinda worried about it. While I have no doubt that I will enjoy it I dread the onslaught of morons I'll have to deal with, harassing me for an opinion on the film. Here's a preview of the exchanges I'll be subjected to:

Moron: Did you see Indiana Jones?

Me: Yeah, I thought it was pretty good, can't beat an Indy movie.

Moron: It sucked! It wasn't even an Indiana Jones movie! Shia Leboeuf is gay!! FUCK GEORGE LUCAS!! How DARE people make movies?? Don't you know you've RUINED my CHILDHOOD??? I'll NEVER watch movies again GAAHAAHRHHAHRH!!! (Tears off shirt and claws at chest)

Me: I wish you'd kill yourself.

I know what the movie is. I've been reading previews and I've heard the buzz. For the love of God do people still not know who I am?! I KNOW all the stuff you think you know and I already know what to expect from this movie.

It's an Indiana Jones movie. There will be lots of action. Inconsequential plot to set up said action. Shia Lebouef is in it, I don't hate him. It's going to be mindless, fun entertainment with a character I grew up with.

Really I'm not looking for Citizen Kane here. I'm not even looking for Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm just looking for the fedora, the whip and Harrison Ford.

Are those things in the movie? Did Steven Spielberg direct it?

Then I'm there!

I love talking about movies, really I do. But I think I need a new policy: I will not discuss this movie or any other "hyped" movies coming out this year with any assholes. You know who you are; the idiots who complain and yell about things in a movie as if someone had raped your child. The moment your argument starts with "It sucked" or "It was a piece of shit" I've already tuned you out and decided you're going on my list of "People I need to eradicate to preserve the human race."

Seriously, it's just a movie. Want to talk about what you liked, didn't like? Great! I'd love to pick your brain and discuss. Keep your tone civil and calm, drop the horrible Rush Limbaugh impersonation and we can have a conversation about any movies you want.

But let's make one thing clear: there are, at most, a handful of people whose opinions about movies, music, books, TV, etc. actually matter to me. The chances that some screaming lunatic is included on that list is not good. Hence, your opinion probably means less than nothing to me. So don't try to make me hate this movie or any other movie by yelling and cursing at me because you'll just end up making me hate you.

More.

For The Trio

This weekend I got to visit my best friends in the entire world, Jon and Erik. I've known Jon for 9 years now and Erik for about 7. If you ever want to know what I'm really like or just get some dirt on me these are the guys to call because even though since high school we see each other an average of about once a year there is still no one who knows me better than these guys.

I suppose it's the fact that they knew me when I had nothing to lose or prove that makes all the difference. Growing up 3 geeky guys in a suburban wasteland called Ronkonkoma there was very little in the way of a social life outside of the movies and the mall for us. We interacted with people in our classes but with little to relate to or talk about with them we never strayed far from our formula of 3. The fact that we were usually broke and couldn't drive meant that most of our time was spent talking.

Anything and everything was discussed. Conversations we'd had with girls were endlessly dissected, right down to tone and inflection. Morons who dared breathe our air were mocked mercilessly. But more importantly we shared our hopes, dreams and fears. We only had each other, no one else to talk to or feel close to, no one whom we felt understood what it was like to be us. We felt safe on our 3-man island.

So we shared everything; the embarrassing stories and thoughts, the stuff that other people would recoil in horror from. All without judgment. There was mocking sure, but also the well-placed trust that this stuff never, ever went outside the circle. Secrets were shared that would remain with us, and only us, never to be told to spouses, children or priest. Our highs, our lows, we had no one to share them with except each other and it is here that the bonds were forged that will ensure our friendship lasts for the rest of our days.

Because now there really is no one else who understands. We were the only ones there, the only witnesses to 3 kids becoming adults, changing and growing, taking the hits life doles out to teenagers everywhere. We had made our group so close, so very tight, that no one else had gotten in. We protected ourselves by closing ourselves off from anyone who might point at us at our most vulnerable and laugh. So it was that at the end of 12 years of schooling misery we stood alone while other graduates scattered off in groups large enough to field a football team.

And now, 5 years after we left our childhoods behind we still stand together, if not alone. The bond's still there, it never went away. No matter how long we go without seeing each other, without speaking to each other we can still fall right back into the old patterns. The secrets are new, the fears and hopes have changed but still when there's something important there is still no one else who gets it better than my best friends. Because they were there. They saw me as I was then when there was no censor, no responsibilities, no expectations or preconceptions to live up to. At my best and my worst they saw the person I was and the person I was capable of becoming for better or worse.

And so it goes that we got together this weekend and everything was easy again. I didn't have to search for words to express myself because they already had them. I didn't have to justify anything because it was already accepted and in some cases expected. There was no need to tread lightly, no worry of offending because these people know me. They know what I am, what I could be, what I'm not and never will be. It's not that I don't have other friends, many of whom have become almost like a second (or in my case, third) family. But they know me now and they never knew me then and I suppose that makes all the difference.

So this is to us; 3 kids from Long Island who dreamed of getting off that hellmouth and becoming new, better people. Successful, popular, and happy. And here's to achieving all of that without ever having lost sight of who we are and what we will always be: a trio.

Life After College

My friend Ashley graduates tomorrow and it got me thinking about what I've learned since I took those final steps away from academia one year ago. So I wrote this for her and also because it's been a week since my last blog post and I needed to write something. My friend Erik graduates too but since I'll actually be at his ceremony he's already got the best gift of all.

Life post-graduation. How is it different?

Well for one you need to learn to start paying for cabs. No longer can you stagger home after a night of drinking because doing so will probably get you mugged. And you can't drive either because the cops are way better at catching drunk drivers than Campus Security ever was. Your first night out a bar will teach you a valuable life lesson: a mile can be fucking expensive.

Alcohol isn't free. I learned this lesson in college but seeing as how you're a girl you probably never had to worry about buying (or making) your own drinks. Also you are no longer expected to bring 5 bucks to a party for the jar instead you are now expected to bring something everyone can drink. Or a bunt cake.

You're a lot dirtier than you thought. You're also a lot cleaner. In college you can always blame the weird smell and crap strewn around on a "dirty" roommate. When you get your own place and the smell is still lingering and clothes are still somehow ending up on your kitchen sink you come to the realization that you're not nearly as "neat" as you thought you were. Eventually though you'll fall into a pattern where your week is spent in slovenly bliss while your weekends are spent frantically vacuuming everything in sight before your parents/friends come over. Eventually you start cleaning just because you want to. Weird, I know.

You hate people. I know, you already think you do. But the truth is you haven't actually had to deal with real people. Most of your neighbors in college ended up being your friends or people you could smile at while secretly wishing they would be quieter when their boyfriend came to stay overnight. But now you have to deal with the people whose lives are pretty much hopeless. They're out of college or never went and they resent your youthful enthusiasm and naivete for thinking you can actually make it in the world. These people will annoy the shit out of you. Whether it's because they insist on smoking in the balcony every single night or by operating a crack den around the clock. Learn to deal with these assholes now because tomorrow you might have to write a news story about them.

People end up in weird places. As you move around the country and visit friends who've relocated you'll be likely to run into people from school you probably thought were dead. But no, they're around. You'll see them at the grocery store, the drive thru, some you'll even run into at a mall you usually don't visit and you'll think "what are the odds?" When you see these people be polite and try to forget the fact that they've seen you naked and are probably picturing you that way.

It's just a piece of paper. Truth is your degree doesn't mean anything, no one's impressed. A college degree nowadays is a lot like a driver's license. You need it for employment but the most it'll get is a glance and a check box, if that. In fact you probably could've just made something like it on Quark, framed it and gotten the same job you have now. But it's been 4 years, a lot of hard work (well, work anyway) and $120,000 so you might as well just suck it up, walk proudly, shake the President's hand and let your parents take a million different pictures of you holding that fancy certificate. You can always use it to cover up the hole in the wall you're pretty sure your neighbor uses to watch you sleep.

So Ashley, as you're sitting in that chair tomorrow, either too cold or feeling faint from the heat just remember that you'll only get to graduate from college once. Thank God. So put on your headphones and add a bitching soundtrack to the endless procession of people you had no idea were still in school, let alone graduating, and be thankful your name is common enough not to be mispronounced.

Good luck!

I Don't Take Advice I Just Read It

For as long as I can remember my Hotmail home page (one of my 4 email accounts) always seems to feature an article about relationships. Invariably these articles either cater to those who want to be in a relationship, are in a relationship but want to "keep the flames alive," are in a failing relationship, or think their lesser half is having an affair.

And I love reading all about them. Whether I'm single or not doesn't matter, I'll read about the art of the pick-up line as readily as I will about how to make the perfect souffle for a night of romance.

I said I read it I don't actually act on any of it.

Maybe it's just me but the advice on these columns seems to be geared towards TV couples. Some of it is solid enough common sense but most of it is just stupid. I know communication is key to a relationship, I've been watching sitcoms since I was 7! I just choose not to communicate. Instead I transmit subtle hints involving eye contact and smashing her porcelain cat collection to 'communicate' the fact that I like my eggs sunny-side-up not over-easy.

And I've never picked up a girl using the tips provided in these articles. Why listen and remember things said in conversation to reference to later when you can just stare at the bridge of her nose, nod occasionally and smile a lot instead? If you're really good and you're at a bar you'll have hit on the girl sitting in front of the TV and can keep an eye on the game at the same time!

As for gift ideas I tend to shop for people the way I like to be shopped for; at comic book/hobby stores. Two reasons for this: 1. It's the golden rule (do unto others and such) and 2. Where else can I get a Wonder Woman statuette that tells her I not only respect her as a strong, independent woman but also that this is what she should look like if she expects me to stick around for next year's birthday?

Not at Kay's, that's for sure!

Bonus: While there make sure you grab some Wonder Woman, Elektra, and Catwoman books for future costume ideas for her. It's sexy but tasteful! The classic Princess Leia in the gold bikini stand-up is also a good choice provided you don't have one already.

These scholarly journals often try to tell me what I should and should not say. They also tell to be honest because trust is key. Make up your minds! Personally I prefer the honesty thing because then I can't be called a liar. When the shouting starts after a chivalrous bout of honesty that's the one thing she can't call me.

Maybe part of the reason why these articles don't seem to apply to me is because all the people that write in with problems are old. I think the youngest I usually see is like 34. Are people still even getting laid at that age? I mean outside of Hollywood. Cause I've seen a lot of 34 year olds and I wouldn't want to lay next to them either.

Maybe I'm just too awesome at relationships. Or maybe sitcoms did too good a job of raising me. Three's Company in particular had an influence on me from an early age.

Oh well, if nothing else I have something to read while I wait for her to bring the groceries up from the car.

**DISCLAIMER: Because I understand some people lack a sarcasm/satire/humor detector let me just state that the opinions expressed above do not in any way, shape or form reflect the opinions of the author, this website, or men in general. Except the part about where to shop for me on my birthday: November 10, 2008. It's coming soon people!**

"Destiny...Is A Fickle Bitch"

Writing a Lost recap is a bit like writing a college thesis; lots of research, plenty of frustration and as the hours tick by the dawning horror that you chose to do this.

I haven't had a chance to do my online scavenging for theories and wild speculation supported by fringe theories about time travel and wormholes but I'll do my best to do a summary and chime in with some theories of my own.

So we start the episode in what looks to be the 50s. That right there lets us know this is going to be a flashback episode. Whose flashback? John Locke!

Locke is one of the most fascinating characters on the island because he seems to have been the most changed by his arrival there. While all the other characters have continued to act more or less as they did pre-crash Locke seems to have gained some sort of insight into the island and abilities he didn't possess prior. Have we ever learned where Locke learned his tracking/hunting skills? Not that I remember.

Once again Locke and Ben are off searching for Jacob only this time they have Hurley along and Ben can't lead the way. It seems that the island no longer has any use for him at the moment. As Ben says to Locke, "Destiny, John, is a fickle bitch."

On the other side of the island Jack is still being his usual obnoxious self and walking around against Juliet's orders. Nothing very interesting happens to the beach-dwellers so I'm not gonna mention them beyond here. Also I don't like Jack.

On the Miles and Sawyer front we don't get anything new this week...well not right away. But a piece of their puzzle is revealed at the end so I'll get to it.

Freighter Losties: Sayid makes a deal with the captain to get off the freighter using a small boat to ferry people back and save them from the crazy soldier-men while Desmond elects to stay behind.

Des: "I've been on that island for 3 years brother. I'm never setting foot again, not with Penny coming for me."

Good call man. We also learn Michael is the one who told Ben Mr. Keamy's name. Well, duh!

The captain tries to stop the army men and gets shot for his trouble. Oh and now we know how the Doctor washed up on the beach. I'm thinking the bulk of the freighter storyline will get resolved in the next episode. Lapidus, to stop Keamy from killing anymore non-fatigue-wearing folks, agrees to fly his army to the island to exterminate the Losties. But as he does he drops off a special delivery on the beach: a Sat phone. We'll learn how that plays out next week as well I guess.

Let's focus on the Locke flashbacks for now.

It seems the island is kind of a pedophile. Not only did it start recruiting Ben at a young age (his mother's ghost and running into the 'hostiles') it also seemed to bond with Walt and now we learn none other than Richard himself (the guy who recruited Juliet) was paying Locke visits when he looked no older than 6 years old.

There's a theory out there that the castaways are stuck in purgatory and are reliving their miserable lives over and over again. There are also far more intricate and difficult to explain theories regarding time travel, worm holes and alternate dimensions. All of those theories got a huge boost tonight. What does Richard want from Locke? He pulls a bunch of stuff out of a bag; a book (Book of Law), a vial filled with what looks like sand, a comic book, a baseball glove, a compass and a knife (there may have been other stuff but I don't remember it now). He then asks Locke "Which of these belong to you?" A perplexed young Locke thinks he's inviting him to take something for himself. Richard clarifies, "Now, which of these belong to you already?"

Apparently the stuff Locke picks is wrong although personally I think he picked all the right stuff. It seems that Richard doesn't think the knife was his and leaves deeming Locke "not ready yet." Sound familiar? Those were his exact words to Ben.

Flash forward to Locke in high school where he seems to be familiar with the inside of his locker and we learn Locke is pretty good at science. So good that Mittelos Corp. wants him to go to their science camp, courtesy of a Mr. Alpert. As in Richard Alpert. Locke though is more interested in being an athlete and fishing than pursuing his natural talent for science.

Interesting throwaway that may mean nothing: Locke may like physical activity but apparently he sucks at it; his teacher tells him he'll never be the quarterback, he's a scientist. Sounds like the Locke we know now may be engaging in some deep wish fulfillment. Is the island behind his new abilities along with regaining the use of his legs?

Flash forward again to Locke after his 8 story fall. He's struggling through physical therapy and as the orderly taking him back to his room tells him he will walk again Locke reveals there's a 98% chance he'll never even regain feeling. The orderly responds. "You fell 8 stories and lived. That is a miracle." After this telling statement the orderly is revealed: it's our old friend Abbadon! The same one who visited Hurley in the hospital after his breakdown and asked, "They're still alive aren't they?" The same one who recruited Naomi. Oh and guess who told Locke he should try going on a walkabout? Apparently though it's gonna cost him. While he scoffs at the idea Abbadon tells him he'll change his mind and the experience will change him, when that happens Locke "owes" him one.

And so the flashbacks go. Locke's connection to the island is far deeper and stretches back further than we thought. No wonder Ben tried to kill him.

As far as present day Locke goes it seems he's now starting to make some connections himself. It starts when he runs into Horace Goodspeed chopping down a tree. This Dharma-dressed mathematician was the same one who found newborn Ben and his dad after Mrs Linus passed away giving birth. He's also the one who recruited Ben's dad to work for Dharma. He's also been dead for 12 years. Horace also seems to have built Jacob's cabin.

I'm not even gonna try to speculate at this point. My friend and I are convinced Locke is Jacob but at this point you could tell me Aaron is Jacob and I'd buy it.

Horace tells Locke to find him and he'll find the cabin. Horace is also apparently stuck reliving the same moment over and over again. Or is he? Turns out Locke was dreaming. Apparently Ben used to have dreams too. Does this mean this is how Jacob or the island communicates with its favorites? Or is this statement more related to Ben's previous conversation with Richard last season, "You do remember birthdays don't you?"

So many possibilities! Locke leads Ben and Hurley back to the mass Dharma grave from the Purge. We learn Ben wasn't actually behind the Purge, the Others' leader was.

Hurley: "I thought you were their leader."
Ben: "Not always."

An allusion to Widmore? (I'm convinced he used to be the island's favorite at some time in the past, perhaps when the Black Rock landed there) Or to Jacob? Someone else?

Anyway Locke finds Horace and goes digging through his corpse to find the blueprints to Jacob's cabin. Now that they have a way to find it Locke tells Hurley he can head back to the beach. Hurley, scared of impending nightfall and striking out on his own, decides to stay with Ben and Locke. Interesting exchange between Ben and Locke:

Ben: "He actually thinks staying is a good idea. Not bad John."
Locke: "I'm not like you."
Ben: "No, you're not."

Did Locke manipulate Hurley? Possibly. Locke may think he's not like Ben but I beg to differ. He's already been willing to sacrifice himself and the rest of the survivors for the island and he's manipulated people into helping him in his cause before. I'd say he may not yet be just like Ben but he seems to be heading down that path.

So now we get to meet Jacob, right? Well no. Locke makes his way in the cabin alone (can't blame Hurley and Ben for sitting tight) and guess who Jacob's new PR guru is? The seemingly omnipresent Christian Shepherd. Oh and Claire.

I knew Claire was dead, not many people can survive a head-on collision with a freaking rocket even if there is a shack between you. Especially not waify, short, Aussie blondes who until now have contributed nothing to the show except for the occasional pout or kidnapping. Finally Claire is interesting!

Apparently though Locke can't tell anyone he saw her there. The essence of Locke and Christian's conversation can be summed up as such:

Christian: "Why don't you ask the one question that does matter?"
Locke: "How do I save the island?"

Not how do I save my friends or myself. The island. Yeah, Ben and Locke are two totally different people and if you believe that I've got a treasure map I'd love to sell you for a steal.

Locke comes out and when Ben and Hurley ask him what Jacob said to do Locke's response is classic Lost: "We have to move the island."

Sure! OK then now that we know let's push, all at once now!

And just like that this season of Lost officially becomes the best yet. Have we gotten a lot of answers? No. Some, but not a lot. But they've moved the story forward in an unprecedented speed and focus. The show ends in 2 seasons and the writers really seem to be inspired by this deadline. In the wake of so many revelations and theories that make me wish I'd earned a PhD in Physics, Philosophy, Theology and Literature (as well as read every comic book and sci-fi novel ever published) this year is shaping up to be the best for Lost, blowing out even the stellar first season.

I'll be back next week with some more Lost awesomeness and then take a one week break for the season finale airing May 29!

PS - Yes, that's Claire (Emilie De Ravin). Enjoy!

Christmas Present Ideas For Me!

There are certain aspects of public transportation that I do not enjoy. The occasional smell of cat litter on the Metro; the large, smelly people who will squeeze in next to me on the bus. These are all mild inconveniences that someone as awesome as myself simply should not have to deal with.

As a solution I have decided I need a chauffeur. Unfortunately these kinds of luxuries are pretty expensive and at the moment I’m concentrating my considerable intellect on other endeavors. Like this blog.

But this got me thinking: if I could afford every luxury in the world what would make the top of my list? And so another hour is wasted as I put careful thought into one of my favorite things; a list!

1. A Chauffeur – see above
2. Fleet of cars – all makes and models, one for every day of the year so I never have to drive the same car twice if I don’t want to
3. Monkey butlers – I touched upon this in another blog. I still really, really want them.
4. Anti-robot defense system – because if it can stop a robot it can stop anything.
5. Truth serum (extra-strength) – I always wonder what people really think of me. This way I can finally find out!
6. Hotels – I like staying in them but I don’t like paying for things I can’t own.
   
7. Thus I will buy them!
8. Crap for my friends – I will probably still need to bribe people to be my friends, but now I can buy eternal loyalty!
9. A personal soundtrack – I want someone to walk behind me at all times playing music appropriate to whatever’s happening in my life. Mainly because I like really good walking music and also because I’ve always wanted to make out to Prince’s “Batdance.”
10. Jesters – I don’t think I really need to explain this one
11. Personal Jet – I don’t ever want to use any method of public transportation. My own 737 ought to take care of that nicely.

I don’t think of myself as spoiled or greedy but if I could afford it I totally would be.

Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo

How I Met Your Mother has been on an amazing roll since it came back from the strike hiatus. I was worried about the show at the beginning of the season but now that the episodes have gotten back to their season 2 levels of awesomeness and the Britney cameos have brought in some more viewers I'm confident we'll see the show return this fall.

On to the recap!

There's a lot of speculation out there that Stella might be the titular mother but I remain skeptical. The premise of the show has always been slightly flimsy - do these kids not know their own mother's name?! At this point it seems like they're just sitting on the couch listening to their dad rehash his failed relationships and conquests. Still, even given that the show has never really stuck to the premise all that well I would think that they would not have cast a blonde girl to play Stella's daughter. If Stella is the mother then she and Ted have more than just the 2 kids we've seen so far. Maybe she's been outcast?

That said part of me hopes Stella is the mother because I've loved Sarah Chalke since the first episode of Scrubs. It doesn't hurt that she and Josh Radnor seem to have great chemistry. So much so that I totally buy that after a 5 year "dry spell" it's Ted she finally decides to let in. Go ahead, giggle. May we move on now?

I liked that the first thing they did to move the relationship forward was not have sex but instead that Stella introduces her daughter to Ted. Makes sense and really establishes them as a serious couple.

Not too much Marshall and Lilly this week but what we did get was classic. From Marshall listing all the big events that happened the last time Stella had sex to Lilly's further characterization as a sex addict. Seriously Marshall must have the stamina of a freaking...what animal can have sex for a really long time? Well that's him.

Oh Barney, how the mighty have fallen. Will Forte makes a great appearance as Randy, Ted's replacement but only after Barney has exhausted all other possibilities. I still think Robin should be Barney's new wingman but we'll see if that happens. Classic line of the night: Randy about his untimely nosebleed, "It happens everytime I get an erection." I had to pause my DVR to recover from that one.

I really, really hope Barney gets welcomed back into the fold. The fact that Ted will still sometimes take his calls to get back together gives me hope. Next week Britney Spears' Abby comes back to team up with Barney to make Ted jealous.

Just typing that sentence makes me chuckle. I'll be back later this week with my recap of Lost. I spend so much time researching the crap out of that show anyway I might as well write a blog for it. I'll post a recap of the season too, Missy. Eventually!

Check back randomly for possible updates!

"I Don't Read Memoirs, I Don't Trust Them"

Augusten Burroughs is a very interesting man. Over the weekend Carly and I went to check out a Q&A with him followed by a book signing. He was funny, insightful and intimate which is not surprising from someone who writes memoirs for a living. So here is a man who has led a life most people wouldn't believe or begin to comprehend. He has turned the adversities he has overcome, the weirdness and complete fucked up-ness of his life, into a cathartic experience he has shared with millions of people. His books, his experiences have touched others and changed their lives in some cases.

So I got to meet this man; I was 3 feet from him and looking him in the eye.

And I was a total dork.

I said the most cliched, awkward things you can say to someone who has written and published 5 books about his terrible childhood and just lectured on the validity of memoirists and what it's like to bare your soul and darkest moments to the public. A man with a 4th grade education who is still an eloquent speaker and writer.

And all I could think to say was, "Great talk!" "Really funny" "Thanks."

Ugh. I know I'm generally an awkward person and it's a rare day when I don't embarrass myself in some kind of social situation but Saturday was a new low. I hate looking stupid in front of people I respect and since there are few of those it makes it especially aggravating. I think I need to start writing scripts detailing what I would say to every respected/admired person I want to meet. For example, here's what I would have said to Augusten had I not been paralyzed by awe and awkwardness:

Me: "I read Rat/Thing and I have to say I was really impressed by how thorough you were in trying to exterminate the thing without resorting to a baseball bat or other blunt instrument. And you're right, in a way that I would never admit to my friends or PETA I found the whole thing pretty damn funny."

So why couldn't I say that?! Why instead did I just stand there fidgeting, trying to remember how to form the word hello instead of complimenting his work in an intelligent and well thought out manner?

I've come to the conclusion that it's because I can talk to pretty girls. See I've never had a problem having a conversation with a girl who would seem to have no need to ever acknowledge my existence. In fact most of my friends are girls who should have no need to acknowledge my existence even if I was the last man on Earth. To compensate for this the universe has instead cursed me with the inability to speak to people I respect and want to emulate.

This doesn't mean celebrities, by the way. I'm pretty confident I can talk to George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston. But Neil Patrick Harris? I would lose the ability to form coherent sentences. Neil Gaiman? There's a good chance I'd pass out. Tina Fey? My head would explode, kinda like if you were to hear the voice of God.

Sure some of those people are "celebrities" but they're also people whose work I respect and admire. And in Tina Fey's case damn hot!

So this is my curse; I can talk to the pretty girl at the bar but I can't move past monosyllabics in front of my heroes.

I really think I'm going to type up those scripts and carry them around. Hopefully I'll be able to retain the ability to read.

Next Time, Baby!

Been a while, sorry! But now for your reading pleasure is my review of Iron Man!

This is one of those movies that made me feel like a kid again. I remember being real little and going to see Superman II in theaters. As soon as we got out I begged my mom for a costume. I got home put a towel around my neck and ran around, arms outstretched, "flying" from couch to couch, bed to floor. It's one of my earliest memories and I swear it's what sparked my love of movies, comic books and everything super heroic.

Iron Man took me back and made me feel like that little boy again. There's so much fun in that movie it's hard not to want to run out to the nearest costume shop and then go home and practice your repulsor blasts. See Tony Stark isn't a nerd who's been picked on his whole life, or a mild mannered reporter or a dark, brooding man whose fate has been shaped by tragedy. He's a big kid.

Imagine that you're a genius, raised in incredible wealth, the world at your fingertips. Your money allows you to do whatever you want and your intellect allows you to dream up and do anything. Literally anything. You have women, cars, planes, friends and booze. Lots and lots of booze. This guy never had to grow up and Robert Downey Jr. plays him perfectly. He believes that by building weapons more powerful than the next guy's he's keeping America safe. Except his weapons don't just end up in our hands, they end up anywhere they're wanted. Sound familiar?

This isn't really a political movie at all but it could be. It could be a metaphor for the way America has failed to adjust from a Cold War policy of Mutual Assured Destruction to one addressing an enemy that is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Where there are no rules and our weapons are useless because these guys have no embassies or royal palaces, no weapons installations or bases. Instead the movie makes it about one man: Tony Stark.

Tony believes he can make the world a better place by giving America the biggest stick. Maybe he never really thought about it or maybe he was really that naive but when he's captured by terrorists in Afghanistan his outlook changes. The first thing he sees during the attack to capture him is that the soldiers he was goofing around with, joking with, had dedicated his life's work to protecting were being blown to bits by his weapons. Missiles marked "Stark Industries" rain all around him. Once he's captured it gets worse as he's asked to build a superweapon out of the huge stockpile of his weapons the terrorists have.

This isn't how it was supposed to be and in the first 20 minutes of the movie you see a man transformed from a cavalier and staunch believer of "how dad did it" to someone who recognizes it's not enough. And it's time to change.

Enter the Mark I. As a comic book geek you have no idea how happy it made me to see this clunky, rickety, noisy ass robot clank his way down a cave blowing up everything in its path. To see Tony struggling to control it, its defects. This is a true origin story. We have a man, one without superpowers or years of discipline and training walking around in a giant suit of metal learning as he goes.

When the Mark I gets shot at you really think it's not as invincible as it looks. Gears exposed and grinding the suit itself becomes an object of suspense. Is it gonna hold up?

And that's how Iron Man unfolds. Will Tony learn how to fly? Will he solve the icing problem? Can he take down the Iron Monger?

I came out of that theater feeling more exhilarated and overjoyed than I have in a long time. Since the first Spider Man, actually. Because this wasn't a superhero movie it was a comic book movie. And yes, there is a difference. Jon Favreau has always been a favorite of mine and I couldn't be happier this is his entry into the upper echelon of directors. Gwyneth Paltrow redeems herself for years of mediocre parts in this. And Robert Downey Jr. is finally what he should have been for years; a movie star.

I'll be seeing this a few more times, count on it. And between this, Indiana Jones, The Dark Knight and Wall*e it's going to be a great summer for those who want to feel like a kid again at the movies.

5 stars out of 5.